The Banter Report
A place with a mysteriously oniony atmosphere
Me: What’s that smell?
Girl: Not me. I smell like marshmallows. It’s Calgon Marshmallow Body Mist.
Me: Well, be careful nobody tries to put you on a stick and roast you. I had that problem with my hot dog–scented cologne.
Girl: You have hot dog cologne?
Discussion ensues over whether someone wearing hot dog cologne would be in more danger from hungry cannibals at a campsite or at a baseball game. Mysterious oniony smell is discovered to be someone else’s meatloaf.
* * *
On the phone
My girlfriend: If I didn’t have any legs, you’d have to support me. Get it?
Me: Heh. Yeah.
My girlfriend: Because you’d have to go out and work and make all the money.
My girlfriend: Oh wait. I explained the wrong part.
Like a modern-day Gracie Allen, she was only playing dumb for comedic effect.
* * *
The Old Nick, near Broadview and Danforth
Me: We’ll take two pints of Bass, please.
Pub owner: Ah, good choice.
Me: Is that made with lake bass or sea bass?
Pub owner: It’s a blended ale. They put them in a blender.
After trying to explain Dan Aykroyd’s old Super Bass-O-Matic ’76 Saturday Night Live sketch to my younger companion, I return home to try to find a video online but initially have little success due to NBC.com restricting Canadian users from viewing its content. I eventually find a truncated version on another video sharing site and am surprised at the end to see the Bass Ale logo come up, the sketch apparently having been adapted for use as a commercial.
* * *
Bonus late-night monologue joke I just made up five seconds ago:
“Hip-hop band The Roots recently survived unscathed from a tour bus accident while traveling to Paris. This cements their decision to quit touring; they were recently announced as the house band for Jimmy Fallon’s new talk show. Great — so they’ll be going straight from a bus crash to a total trainwreck.”
Filed under: The Banter Report | 2 Comments