The Banter Report


A place with a mysteriously oniony atmosphere

Me: What’s that smell?
Girl: Not me. I smell like marshmallows. It’s Calgon Marshmallow Body Mist.
Me: Well, be careful nobody tries to put you on a stick and roast you. I had that problem with my hot dog–scented cologne.
Girl: You have hot dog cologne?
Me: No.

Discussion ensues over whether someone wearing hot dog cologne would be in more danger from hungry cannibals at a campsite or at a baseball game. Mysterious oniony smell is discovered to be someone else’s meatloaf.

* * * 

On the phone

My girlfriend: If I didn’t have any legs, you’d have to support me. Get it?
Me: Heh. Yeah.
My girlfriend: Because you’d have to go out and work and make all the money.
Me: Huh?
My girlfriend: Oh wait. I explained the wrong part.

Like a modern-day Gracie Allen, she was only playing dumb for comedic effect.

* * *

The Old Nick, near Broadview and Danforth

Me: We’ll take two pints of Bass, please.
Pub owner: Ah, good choice.
Me: Is that made with lake bass or sea bass?
Pub owner: It’s a blended ale. They put them in a blender.

After trying to explain Dan Aykroyd’s old Super Bass-O-Matic ’76 Saturday Night Live sketch to my younger companion, I return home to try to find a video online but initially have little success due to restricting Canadian users from viewing its content. I eventually find a truncated version on another video sharing site and am surprised at the end to see the Bass Ale logo come up, the sketch apparently having been adapted for use as a commercial.

* * *

Bonus late-night monologue joke I just made up five seconds ago:

“Hip-hop band The Roots recently survived unscathed from a tour bus accident while traveling to Paris. This cements their decision to quit touring; they were recently announced as the house band for Jimmy Fallon’s new talk show. Great — so they’ll be going straight from a bus crash to a total trainwreck.”

2 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 Adrienne

    Laraine Newman: “Wow! That’s terrific bass!”

  2. I’ve got to believe that you’d be in more danger from hungry cannibals at a campsite, since there would be a lot more people around to distract them at a baseball game.

    Oh wait. I put the parallelism in the wrong part of the sentence.

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