Name in vain


From the Bronx Mowgli Wentz Department: Reproduced here with her permission is a recent conversation with a friend, an intelligent woman in a long-term relationship who is not pregnant and, in certain nanny states, wouldn’t be allowed to be:

“We’re already thinking of baby names,” she said. “We like London.”

“A place name?” I said. “That’s a little trendy, don’t you think? Pass. Remind me to send you an article I just read about hipster baby names.”

“No, no. His last name is Colling. So it would be London Colling. Like the song.”

“No. No. No. If you name a child London Colling, I will stop speaking to you forever.”


“You can’t give a kid a pun for a name. That joke gets old, quick. Are you even Clash fans?” 

“No, we just thought it was clever. Anyway, we’re thinking of spelling it Lunden.” She wrote L-U-N-D-E-N on a piece of scrap paper.

“Okay, now I know you’re just screwing with me.”


“A place name, a pun, and a creative spelling? It’s like you’re trying to choose the worst possible name. Why don’t you put in a superfluous Y while you’re at it? How about L-U-N-D-Y-N?”

“Ew. No,” she said. “Well, we also like Darwin.”

“Ugh. I was just having this conversation. Darwin is a name chosen by smug, smart-ass secular humanist parents who think they’re making a statement about how stupid and ignorant they think religion and society are. Don’t use your baby to make a point.”

“I thought you liked Darwin.”

“I hate Darwin. It’s for nerds and Australians. Name a baby Darwin, and he’ll grow up to be either Australian or a nerd with a Tilley hat, a wispy moustache, and a role-playing campaign.”

“I like Tilley hats.”

“Do you also like 12th-level half-elven paladins?”

“Okay, fine,” she said. “How about Lily or Lucy?”

“Yes, yes, yes!” I exclaimed with relief. “Lily and Lucy. Yes. These are good names. Use Lily or Lucy.”

“He also likes Achilles.”

“Blurgh,” I said.

5 Responses to “Name in vain”

  1. You are fighting the good fight, Peter. Hats off to you.

  2. Your possibly related posts prove you to be the wort person on WordPress.

    Exhibit A (from the rest of wordpress)
    * What’s in a name?
    * No, I Don’t Have A Name Yet.
    * Pick a name, any name…

    Exhibit B (one of your past posts)
    * I Rape Babies

    I rest my case.


  3. I grew up with a Darwin. He turned into a stoner.

  4. 4 Joe Red

    London Colling is my new alias whenever I’m making reservations under a false name.

    Also, I’ve never, ever met a Lucy. In fact, I can’t imagine what it would be like to meet a Lucy. I’m not even sure if I’ve heard about any Lucies in recent history.

    Where are all the Lucies?

  5. 5 Peter Lynn

    Oh, actually the president of my fencing club is a Lucie. And Kitty’s sister is a Lucy.

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