Miscellaneous improvements


Wonder Woman: The Movie: Not long ago, nerds got their hackles up when Beyoncé Knowles announced she wanted to play Wonder Woman in the upcoming film. Pros: She would obviously look good in the costume. And she has experience with dual identities, thanks to the whole Sasha Fierce thing (a result of having so much ego she needs more than one persona to contain it). Cons: She is a terrible actress. Also, she’s a little frail to convincingly play an Amazon. And Amazons, it must be said, are supposed to be Greek anyway. So, let’s give the role to an actress of Greek heritage. If you want one who looks like she can kick the dolmades out of bad guys, look no further than former WWE women’s champ Trish Stratus. Or, if the film is going to just camp it up instead of taking the source material seriously, let’s just give it to My Big Fat Greek Wedding star Nia Vardalos.

Daylight saving time: The easiest way to improve daylight saving time is to abolish it, which is what president-elect Barack Obama is reportedly considering. There’s little scientific evidence to show that it actually saves energy consumption as intended, though that didn’t stop the incumbent president from lengthening the DST period, which did succeed in confusing electronic devices preprogrammed to account for the change. Now electronic devices are as confused by DST by the rest of us. So, since it doesn’t work, let’s let the sun go down on it. (The reverse, making DST year-round, is a non-starter since it doesn’t make astronomic sense. Noon is when the sun is directly overhead, so let’s not insult anyone by calling that one o’clock.) So here are the two improvements to the abolition of DST that I’m actually suggesting. First, just so we can all enjoy the extra hour of evening sunlight, we all agree that the standard workday is now 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Television schedules get bumped up an hour. Bar closing times remain the same, however. And second, everyone gets two free passes on being late to work every year, no lame excuses about being confused by daylight saving time, no questions asked.

Golden Words: This is my old satirical campus rag. I hadn’t read it in ages, partly because the website has been broken forever. So, they should fix that, for starters. But my girlfriend, who’s back on campus getting her teaching degree, set aside a few issues for me, and I wasn’t impressed. The paper is relying way too much on the lazy format of just setting down supposedly witty banter in script format. I counted no less than eight such articles in one 12-page newspaper. So, instead of just letting caffeine-addled staffers sit on the couch and giggle while they scribble down their conversations, the editors ought to start imposing strict limits. Allow no more than two articles of this type per issue, then politely decline any similar submissions. Then, instead of brainstorming article topics, they need to brainstorm article types. Go through the archives (or just pilfer from Mad, like GW used to do in the good old days), and you’ll find no shortage of article formats to copy, such as how-to articles, open letters, “What’s Wrong with This Picture” illustrations, pull-out board game sections — whatever. And would it kill them to have some decent cartoons?

SNL‘s Weekend Update: Just stop looking for a replacement for Amy Poehler. Frankly, she and Seth Meyers were insufferable together. He came off smug, and she had an annoying habit of giggling at her own punchlines. Since she left, Meyers has been surprisingly good on his own, hitting all his marks like a pro. Weekend Update didn’t need two anchors in the days of Norm MacDonald or Dennis Miller. Meyers may not be a Hall of Famer like those guys, but he’s a solid second-tier anchor with the right stuff to make it into the Hall of Very Good. This one ain’t broke, so leave it alone.

Paying debts: Recent stories decrying former NFL star Michael Vick’s profligacy mentioned the lurid detail that he once wrote “chump change” on a $1000 cheque to his mother. This is supposed to make us think of him as a decadent wastrel who richly deserved his comeuppance. It just makes me think of him as awesome. What a great way to show your contempt for creditors even as you open your wallet. It’s like sneering, “Think this matters to me? Because it doesn’t. Here’s your money, chump. Now get lost.” From now on, the words “chump change” are going on every cheque I write to the phone company, give my landlord, or stick in a birthday card.

3 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. To be honest, GW started to go down right after I left (2006); not because I was some king-shit old-man writer or anything, but because the Eds, who were pretty good at writing (a.) conversations and (b.) random point-form lists of slightly-connected material themselves, favoured those types of articles pretty much above all else as editors. As a result, other forms of articles got squeezed out, and we’re left with the paper of today.

    (I’ve noticed the busted website for the past several months too — pretty annoying, but at least I sporadically make a trip to/through Kingston here and there.)

    Hell, I used to be the “How To XYZ In Five Easy Steps” guy — but I only those articles now and again. Personally, my favourite thing to do was a little thing back near the TIFRS called “Next Week in Golden Words” — a collection of teaser-headlines which usually suggested articles on some sort of impending doom or sexual perversion to be explored (read: never explored) in the next issue.

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    It’s nice when we different generations of staffers can get together and agree that Things Aren’t What They Used to Be in Our Day. But I should point out that Golden Words actually went downhill after the freshman year of whoever’s remarking upon Golden Words going downhill. No matter who you are, it was best in your first year, the same way Saturday Night Live was always at its peak in the first season you saw it, whether that was in the original years or the early-nineties “Bad Boys” era.

  3. 3 Funkula

    I think the problem might be that his contemptuous annotation was directed at his mother, but apart from that I agree that it’s pretty awesome.

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