Here are some links

04Dec08

Look. I don’t have a lot of time to talk to you right now. Actually, that’s not true. I have loads of time, but I just pinched my fingers between the armrest of my chair and the underside of my desk, and I don’t feel much like typing. Read these links instead:

  • How to Beat Up Anything provides the reader with a guide to fighting everything, including hammer-wielding monkeys, father-and-son teams, the Greek warrior Achilles, and Great Tiger from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. I hereby declare this my favorite new website, and that’s not only because I know the author can beat me up but also because it’s very funny. 
  • We have a new Korean housemate who is named July, although Toula can’t remember what she’s called. That’s okay because July, unaccustomed to Greek names, refers to her as “Tuna”. Also, while I left a pot of spaghetti to cook the other day, July exclaimed, “Peter! Your water is boring!” In the spirit of chronicling the linguistic mishaps of fresh-off-the-boat Asian household members, here are My Mom Is a FOB and My Dad Is a FOB.
  • You know who’s lamer than Aquaman? Hack comics who make jokes about how lame Aquaman is. After Jay Pinkerton and I did our parodies of Batman and Superman, we considered looking at Aquaman but dismissed it as territory well-trodden. The real fun would be in showing how he’s better than every other hero, not worse. (Edit: I forgot that Jay actually did do an Aquaman comic, but he did it right.) Now, Glen Weldon, who’s previously written about Aquaman for McSweeney’s, calls out the Aquaman-is-lame meme as officially played out at NPR. Can we get rid of jokes about pirates too? Actually, with the recent real-world surge in piracy, we need Aquaman patrolling the seas more than ever.
  • Speaking of comics, here’s the condensed Watchmen. Obviously, spoiler warnings are in effect: This will ruin the book for you if you haven’t read it. And if you haven’t read it, read it. My girlfriend is under strict orders to read the graphic novel before seeing the movie, and now you are too.
  • Finally, Roger Ebert has a must-read blog post about how the decline of film criticism in favour of brainless, pop-eyed coverage of celebrity gossip is a symptom of the dumbing-down of society. Here’s the thing, people: You’re wasting your lives with this shit. I can’t stress this enough. If you’re taking time out of your day to read Perez Hilton, you might as well just look at online porn. It’s just as exploitative, and you’ll see the same amount of semen dripping off people’s faces.


3 Responses to “Here are some links”

  1. I just stumbled on your blog, and I’m amused. I also agree with your position on celebrity gossip, but I have to wonder if their is more intrinsic value in Man Vs Clown! (and similar amusing hipster-ish blogs) than Perez Hilton. Am I somehow bettered after reading about you insulting children for their safety equipment? I’d like to think I am but I’m just not sure.

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    First of all, thanks for reading. Glad to have you aboard.

    Now, you are almost certainly better off after reading about me insulting children for their safety equipment, because, I hope, it means you might do the same. Let’s face facts: Children should not be wearing safety equipment. Even leaving aside the argument that we should be letting natural selection do its thing for the betterment of the gene pool, it’s obvious that kids need to learn risk management the hard way. They need to use their brains and quick wits to avoid injury, not let a helmet think fast on their behalf. Plus, scars build character and add sex appeal. I think we can all agree that kids are just not sexy.

  3. I think it’s been scientifically proven that reading Perez Hilton actually kills brain cells. And puppies, or whatever else the latest meme of cute things that shouldn’t be killed is, like pandas or something. Conversely, reading Man vs Clown! is enlightening (as long as you get a handle on what Peter is and isn’t making up). Also, newbie commenters are often fearful of making grammar and spelling mistakes, which raises the level of discourse from “OMG!!!! u r soooo FuNy!”

    Oh, and nice cover up, Peter. Or it would have been, had the Banter Report being discussed not also contained some allusions to the sexiness of children!


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