The Banter Report


At home

My girlfriend: The grade one class I’m teaching has 20 kids, and only six are girls.
Me: Yeah, that’s a real sausage party.

This is, I learn, apparently inappropriate terminology to use with regard to six-year-old children.

* * *

Still at home

My girlfriend: If we could only have one child, would you want it to be a boy or a girl?
Me: Well, a boy would carry on my name, but a girl would bring home friends for sleepovers.

Some questions are raised: Why am I so gross? Why do I have to say things like this to my girlfriend? Why can’t I be nice, like I used to be in the beginning?

* * *

Near Pape Station

Me [seeing small boy riding bicycle]: Nice helmet, retard! [pause] That’s what happened to Toula, you know. She was riding her bike, and someone yelled, “Nice helmet, retard!” Then she thought, I’m not a retard, and she took off her helmet. Then she fell off her bike and hit her head, and because she wasn’t wearing her helmet, she got brain damage and now she’s a retard.
My girlfriend: Would you please stop saying that word?
Me: Fine. Nice head protection, retard!

I consider filing this edition of the Banter Report under “Things I Shouldn’t Have Said”.

4 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 Riley

    Perhaps you should have called it a cocktail-weinie party?

  2. Why can’t I be nice, like I used to be in the beginning?

    I refuse to believe that this was uttered.

  3. 3 Scott

    It’s a bad sign if your girlfriend is saying stuff like Hutch doesn’t believe. That’s something your wife is supposed to say.

  4. This must be part of some demented social experiment. To answer the assumed hypothesis: yes, she will eventually dump you for making insulting and overtly sexual comments toward small children.

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