The Banter Report
My girlfriend: The grade one class I’m teaching has 20 kids, and only six are girls.
Me: Yeah, that’s a real sausage party.
This is, I learn, apparently inappropriate terminology to use with regard to six-year-old children.
* * *
Still at home
My girlfriend: If we could only have one child, would you want it to be a boy or a girl?
Me: Well, a boy would carry on my name, but a girl would bring home friends for sleepovers.
Some questions are raised: Why am I so gross? Why do I have to say things like this to my girlfriend? Why can’t I be nice, like I used to be in the beginning?
* * *
Near Pape Station
Me [seeing small boy riding bicycle]: Nice helmet, retard! [pause] That’s what happened to Toula, you know. She was riding her bike, and someone yelled, “Nice helmet, retard!” Then she thought, I’m not a retard, and she took off her helmet. Then she fell off her bike and hit her head, and because she wasn’t wearing her helmet, she got brain damage and now she’s a retard.
My girlfriend: Would you please stop saying that word?
Me: Fine. Nice head protection, retard!
I consider filing this edition of the Banter Report under “Things I Shouldn’t Have Said”.
Filed under: Brain-Damaged Toula, The Banter Report | 4 Comments