Miscellaneous improvements


Buddy cop movies: A&E recently announced the filming of Steven Seagal: Lawman, a reality show following the ponytailed martial artist’s real-life adventures as a sheriff’s deputy in Louisiana. Coincidentally, basketball star and sometime actor Shaquille O’Neal has been deputized by several law enforcement agencies, including the U.S. Marshalls. What’s more, two of the sheriff’s offices with which O’Neal was formerly associated demanded that O’Neal return their badges after he derided Kobe Bryant with profanity and racial slurs in an internet rap video. This means that at some point, at least one furious superior officer screamed, “I want your badge on my desk, Shaq! You’re off the force!” There’s an obvious odd-couple buddy-cop flick in this, where Seagal and O’Neal take down the bad guys with their unique combination of aikido and Shaq Fu, and the incredible part is that this can be done not as a work of fiction, but as a documentary

Street gangs: Instead of dealing drugs, doing drive-by shooting, and spray-painting graffiti, street gangs should confine themselves to the following activities: (a) singing doo-wop, (b), impromptu dance routines, and (c) solving mysteries.

Prayer: At times, such as weddings, those around me bow their heads to silently commune with their deities. I politely follow suit, but as an agnostic, I find the whole thing awkward and just count the seconds as they tick away. Here, however, is a short prayer to memorize and silently recite during your next moment of silence: Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That’s what’s important! Valor pleases you, Crom … so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!

Bizarre athlete injuries: New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress recently shot himself in the leg when a handgun tucked into his sweatpants accidentally discharged. And Colorado Avalanche forward Joe Sakic injured his hand while operating a snowblower. These are both amusingly quirky accidents, but they don’t reach the bar set by pitcher John Smoltz, who once burned himself ironing a shirt that he was already wearing. Let’s switch it up. Next time, Burress injures himself by accidentally starting a snowblower stuck down his sweatpants, and Sakic gets hurt while using a handgun to shoot all the snow off his driveway.

Getting executed: The CBC just showed the episode of The Tudors where — spoiler alert for the historically ignorant — Anne Boleyn got beheaded. She was a remarkable example of poise, dignity, and class. And you know what? Screw that action. If I ever get executed, I’m making a huge stink — literally. For my last meal, I’m filling up on all the asparagus and beans I can hold, so that when I’m done all my screaming, swearing, and sobbing and they finally manage to wrestle me onto the chopping block, I’ll unleash one god-awful stinking mess upon the executioner and spectators as my bowels and bladder release.

3 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. 1 hilly

    The wife and I just finished Season One of The Tudors. Most of the time I’m not terribly impressed, and they really should have started with Henry VII, putting later events much more in context with the devastating War of the Roses. Plus the man invades England twice, kills the last Plantagenet at Bosworth Fields, puts down a Yorkist army led by a peasant pretender who then becomes his servant boy, and marries his daughter to the King of Scotland, leading eventually to Union of the Two Thrones. He at least deserved half a season.

    I was most involved in the “sweating sickness” episode — pretty gripping in its paranoia and fear, and pretty ballsy in the way they wiped out about half of the supporting characters. We actually got misty, though, when Wosley died. It says something about Sam Neill that he can move you to tears with a monologue while Rhys Meyers makes your eyes roll with his scenery chewing.

  2. Anne will probably get resurrected anyway. TV deaths rarely stick anymore.

  3. 3 hilly

    So she’ll be Dark Anne Boleyn? Interesting. I wonder if there’s a market for a Tudor-era X-Men movie.

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