Miscellaneous improvements

22Dec08

The White Album: Can we all agree that John Lennon was an avante-garde genius? Good. Now let’s take “Revolution #9” off The Beatles. It’s unlistenable, it’s only there to prove a point, and the other three guys never wanted it there in the first place. Get rid of it, and there’s 8:22 in free space that could be used for something else recording during that album’s sessions. For example, Paul’s “Junk” and George’s “Not Guilty”, as heard on Anthology 3, could both squeeze on here instead of being relegated to their solo albums. Better yet, how about “Hey Jude”? Great as it was as a stand-alone single, it’d be just as good as the penultimate track of side 4 of The Beatles.

Film franchise crossovers: Movie execs have realized they can get new life out of film franchises by simply jamming two different series together to see what might happen. We’ve already seen Alien vs. Predator a couple of times and Freddy vs. Jason once. RoboCop vs. Terminator has got to happen at some point. And honestly, you could probably just go on forever just throwing different combinations of these franchises out there: Predator vs. Terminator, Alien vs. Jason, Freddy vs. RoboCop, and so on. So let’s think outside the box. What about Mannequin vs. Weekend at Bernie’s? Who’s the victor in the ultimate inaction movie, Kim Cattrall or that dead guy? (The winner is actually Andrew McCarthy, who starred in both Mannequin and Weekend at Bernie’s and is therefore necessary to set up the plot of this sequel.)

The Maldives: Over 80 percent of the 1200 islands that constitute the Maldives are no more than a meter above sea level, and within a century, climate change may forever drown the island nation under rising ocean waters. Meanwhile, as landfills fill up, much of the rest of the world threatens to be drowned under garbage. Let’s ship it to them. They can use it to build sea walls or even build their entire land higher. Two birds, one stone.

Prison Break: Here’s the idea that my girlfriend and I came up with for the very last episode (which she hopes comes soon). At the very end, something bad will happen, but Michael Scofield will just turn to his companions, shrug, throw his hands up in the air, and say, “Oh well. Them’s the prison breaks!” Then, everyone will burst out laughing for slightly too long, the screen will freeze frame, the credits will roll, and the theme to Barney Miller will start playing. Trust us — this will be the most talked-about series finale since The Sopranos.

Mike Myers: While everyone’s pretty much sick of him right now, comedic actor Mike Myers can regain his appeal through a series of viral internet videos. The first can just be something with current SNL cast member Andy Samberg. In the second, he films himself with a night-vision camera while performing autofellatio. And in the third, he gets his head sawed off by fundamentalist Islamic militants.



4 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. Personally, I’m holding out for Airplane! vs. Alive. Will Ted Stryker be able to fend off the hungry cannibals-to-be?

    Also, don’t fuck with the White Album.

  2. I’m right there with you on the “Revolution #9” hate. I LOVE the White Album, but that track sends me screaming from across the room to skip it.

    jtl, I just watched Airplane! because of you. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.

  3. 3 KD

    I’d watch Mike Myers vs. Predator.

  4. 4 Cap'n Gassypants

    Everytime I see an ad for Prison Break I paraphrase the Will Wheaton line from Stand By Me:
    “Prison Break is a great show but did you ever notice they just keep prison breaking?”


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