Miscellaneous improvements


Love Actually: I had to watch Love Actually over the holidays with my girlfriend, and it wasn’t bad, actually. It was a cast-miss enterprise from the start because the cast is a kind of all-star romantic comedy supergroup that assembles several leading veterans of British romcoms in varying couples — Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, Emma Thompson, Keira Knightley, and so on. Can this possibly be improved upon? Perhaps if someone made an American version — a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young to Love Actually‘s Cream. Just shove Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, John Cusack, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, and — let’s say — Bull Pullman into the same film and see what happens. Also get the American Keira Knightley, Natalie Portman. And Billy Bob Thornton can stay on as the president of the United States, as in the earlier film, only this time, he’s the hero.

The Jonas Brothers: Speaking of Tom Hanks, am I the only one to notice that the Jonas Brothers, that trio currently making millions of musically undiscerning preteens’ hearts throb — look kind of like younger versions of Hanks (or maybe it’s Cusack), actor Peter Gallagher, and drummer Alex Van Halen? So why can’t they form a band instead?

Archie comics: I had a dream that I wrote a one-page story for an Archie comic. After I woke up, I realized that it doesn’t make any sense at all, but at least it’s less predictable than the usual formulaic Archie comic, and this probably makes it better. In the first panel, Archie Andrews confidently announces to the reader, “Archie is here!” Then, in the rest of the story, he pulls off a mildly heroic feat. Then, the final panel shows Archie in the exact same pose as the first one, except this time, he announces, “Garlic Archie is here!” And he’s got some garlic with him this time, I guess.

Celebrity impersonations: Try this at the next open-mic night at your local comedy club: First, get up and announce that you’re going to do your Dick Clark impression. Then, give your tongue a shot of Novocaine and slur, “I judg wanna zhay … thish izh the beth way to zbend a New Yearzh Eve,” just like the world’s oldest teenager/stroke sufferer. Then, lay your best impersonation of Stevie Wonder on the audience. But, instead of swaying your head from side to side while pretending to play the piano, start by pretending to gouge out your own eyes. Feel free to burst a capsule of fake blood. Say, “Agh! Just wait — this’ll be good. ‘Ebony and iv’–agh! Oh God!” Finally, end with your Anne Frank impression: Just sit down on the stage and quietly write in a diary for about 15 minutes.

Legal defenses: Just to be clear, I do not support or propose to improve sexual predators. (Although, if I did, infrared vision might be the way to go, like in that Schwarzenegger movie.) All I’m saying is that if you should find yourself on trial and facing a lengthy prison sentence for serial rape, you’ll have a much higher chance of getting off with a short stint in rehab if you claim to be a sufferer of nonconsensual sexual addiction.

11 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. I’m just impressed that you can tell the Jonas Brothers apart.

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    Oh, don’t ask me to name them. I just know them as Young Tom Hanks, Young Peter Gallagher, and Young Alex Van Halen.

  3. 3 jtl

    All I know them as is “Hanson 2.0”.

  4. 4 Mully

    I’m sorry, but no movie staring Keira Knightly can be improved upon.

    Unless, of course, it stars *multiple* Keira Knightlys (Knightlies?)

    I wonder what the collective noun for a group of Keira Knightlys is – hopefully a “Mully sandwich of Keira Knightlys”

  5. 5 Peter Lynn

    The term for multiple Keira Knightlies is “one woman”. Seriously, eat a sandwich, skinny bitch! (Whoa — I just turned into my girlfriend for a minute.)

  6. 6 Candace

    So proud of you, honey!

  7. 7 Mully

    Well, they say you turn into your girlfriend after a while.

    Or is that pet? I can never remember. Six of one…….

  8. 8 Scott

    Garlic Archie is here!

  9. 9 Peter Lynn

    By the way, Scott, the first thing I thought when I woke up was, “Stocc would love Garlic Archie.” Candace even drew him up — a little Archie face on a bulb of garlic. I’ll have to get her to send a picture.

  10. Watch out, Garlic Archie! Jughead is coming… and he’s got spaghetti and meatballs!

  11. 11 Scott

    The first thing I did after reading about Garlic Archie (after commenting) was go to bed and say “Garlic Archie is here!” to Marlene.

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