Dick moves, Mike sings


When I look at the search engine phrases bringing people to this site, I’m a little disturbed to see that “child molester” is right up there. But I’m pleased to see that “mike love asshole” and variations on that theme are perennial favorites too. And I’m even more pleased that, now that I’ve put “Mike Love” and “child molester” in the same post, they’re even more likely to come up a winner in the event that they’re Googled together. Now, I’m not saying, “Mike Love is a child molester”. Far from it for me to suggest that when there’s no evidence. But he is an asshole, and I discussed some of the evidence supporting that theory in a post called Why I Hate Mike Love.

That post has gotten its share of attention. For instance, my “unhealthy dislike” of the baldest Beach Boy was briefly cited in no less an authority than Wikipedia. Of course, you can’t always trust Wikipedia. Once, I looked up “oranges” and read that this citrus fruit grew when two gay men rubbed their balls together. Now, I’m no expert on horticulture, and I certainly wouldn’t want to discredit any of the fine contributions that LGBT people have made to society, but this seemed a little off somehow to me. I mean, why do oranges have seeds, then? Maybe the Wikipedia contributor was thinking of clementines, which are seedless; I have no idea how they can grow, so I’m open to theories.

At any rate, it’s not strictly accurate for Wikipedia to characterize my feelings toward Mike Love as “unhealthy dislike” either, which is no doubt why it was quickly stricken from the entry. (That, and I fail to meet Wikipedia’s notability guidelines, unlike some people.) Nor is “hate” quite accurate; it’s just short enough to fit the title of a blog post. It’s more complicated than that. He’s definitely an asshole, but that asshole undeniably made some important contributions to the Beach Boys. I couldn’t ever quite hate someone who co-wrote such a pretty song as “All I Wanna Do”. You have to give him that.

I got some extra traffic this week when a poster who’s evidently the resident Beach Boys fan over at the Wrestlecrap forums went over it pretty thoroughly, and he had a few reasonable points of disagreement with some of my claims. For example, where is the shot at Van Dyke Parks that I claimed Mike Love made on the “Wipe Out” collaboration with the Fat Boys? I’m positive I didn’t make it up, but I watched the video yesterday until my computer crashed under the weight, and I’ll be damned if I know what I was talking about. But I agree with his conclusion: “While Mike has done many stupid things, he has also shined at moments.”

But what he’s mostly shined at has been pulling dickish moves on his bandmates. So it’s appropriate that my post about Mike Love also got linked this week in a Something Awful thread called “Dick moves by bands”, which provided me some entertaining reading today. While Mike Love is definitely germane to the conversation, guys like Billy Corgan and Axl Rose take as big a beating as you might expect. Something I didn’t know was that Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis has gone out of his way to try to professionally destroy Faith No More/Mr. Bungle singer Mike Patton.

This is partly because Kiedis thinks Patton ripped off his rap-metal vocal style on “Epic”. (And look, I’m not even a particular fan of Mike Patton’s music, but it’s pretty obvious that he’s got musical ability that vastly dwarfs Kiedis’s main talents: doing heroin under a bridge, squeezing his junk into a tube sock, and looking like a younger Iggy Pop.) But it didn’t help when Mr. Bungle parodied the Red Hot Chili Peppers in concert. (Update: Your favorite Wikipedia-endorsed Internet humorist Jay Pinkerton e-mails this bit of “interesting-not-bullshit” trivia: “Mike Patton does all the zombie voices in Valve’s Left 4 Dead. Granted, it’s mostly grunting or wailing, but still.” I hold this as proof that Mike Patton is way more talented than Anthony Kiedis. The only member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers who could do a credible zombie voice at this point is Hillel Slovak.)

Based on the above and the other limited information I’ve heard about Patton, he’s got a wicked sense of humour, so I can imagine he saw the funny side when he was presented with a copy of Blood Sugar Sex Magic by the friend of another Something Awful poster. But I once read a story on Metafilter that wasn’t mentioned in that thread about a hilarious dick move that Patton pulled on another band (and that it was a bunch of kinda-lame early-’80s power balladeers makes it seem funnier and even somehow deserved). I’m not about to pony up ten bucks to join some forum, but I will quote it here for anyone who happens to click through from over there:

Mike Patton and Mr. Bungle came to our town on tour for their first album. They played at a place that was part music venue and part bowling alley. So whenever someone would play, the artists would have to walk through the bowling alley to get to the stage. It was really great to see GWAR traipsing through the lanes on league night. 

So anyway, the bands got free bowling and the guys in the band invited us to bowl with them. So Mike Patton and I are at the counter waiting for our shoes. The guy’s got his back turned and for some reason we both see the pink ‘while you were out’ message pad on the counter. Night Ranger was playing real soon — might’ve been the next night — and someone had called for Kelly, the drummer. The note just said “Kelly – Night Ranger” and a phone number. 

I don’t think Patton did this for my benefit, because he never made eye contact with me before or after he did it, but he wrote “Call home. Your mother is hurt badly.” on the sheet and slid it back before the guy at the counter even noticed.

2 Responses to “Dick moves, Mike sings”

  1. I thought Faith No More was way too ’80s even back in the ’80s, but that is an awesome anecdote.

  2. Kylie Minogue has been secretly sabotaging Jason Donovan’s career for YEARS.

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