The Banter Report

16Jan09

Location
Home

Banter
Girlfriend: My kids don’t even know how a period works.
Me: Well, your students are in grade one. They don’t need to learn about menstruation until about grade five.
Girlfriend: Very funny. But when they miss a period, I get so confused.
Me: I think if a grade one missed a period, it would be a major scandal.
Girlfriend: Look, I’m just going to call it a full stop. When my kids miss a full stop, I get so confused.
Me: If you miss coming to a full stop, you’re going to get a ticket from the police.
Girlfriend: I hate you.

Outcome
Several minutes of silence.

* * *

Location
The lobby at work, waiting for an elevator

Banter
Coworker: What is with this music? Yesterday, I found myself dancing to Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine. [Shakes her body in an apparently involuntary and tormented conga]
Me: Yeah, you’ve got to be careful. The rhythm is gonna get you.

Outcome
A polite smile and no apparent recognition of the single “Rhythm Is Gonna Get You”.

* * *

Location
A company party

Banter
Coworker: See that girl over there? She’s really hot.
Me: Go for it.
Coworker: I should. I’m single now. Remember my fiancée, Kelly? You talked to her all night at Peter and Sam’s engagement party? Well, we broke up.
Me: Uh … because of me?

Outcome
An awkward moment — but not as awkward as if I’d said, “So … Kelly’s single now, then?”



2 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 DeScepter

    Gee, Peter. I never realized you were such a homewrecker.

  2. 2 Phil

    Is it strictly banter if the end result is always silence on the part of the person you are trying to banter with? That is similar to saying that you went out for a meal with someone just because you sat down opposite them and stole their food.


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