I was born so close to the United States that I could practically pee across the St. Lawrence River onto upstate New York. In fact, I once actually did cross the bridge to Ogdensburg just to take a leak on the USA. If you’re an American, that probably pisses you off, but if you were a teenage Canadian boy, you’d probably find it funny.

But a little more than eight years ago, I watched a presidential election stolen, and I vowed to stay out of the United States until it was once again a democracy, not a banana republic. I had so little respect for the nation that I wouldn’t set foot on its soil — not even to, well, soil it. 

For four years and another four after that, I kept this oath, with one exception; I had a brief layover during a trans-Pacific flight last spring. But surely airports don’t count; they’re kind of international territory, after all. Anyway, I didn’t do much in the hour I was there except go to the bathroom.

Today, I watched a new president sworn in, a much better man than the last. He tripped over his words slightly during the oath of office, but then gave an eloquent inaugural address that threw arms wide open to once again embrace the other nations of a world that the previous government had worked steadily to alienate. But what I heard was this:

Welcome back.

(But please go to the bathroom before you come next time.)

6 Responses to “Relief”

  1. 1 Bob

    We won’t hold it against you for pissing on the US. The last administration has spent the last 8 years pissing all over our Constitution, so I’m afraid you’re small beans in comparison.

  2. 2 Adrienne

    Actually, I understand it was actually the Chief Justice who flubbed his lines. I’d like to think Obama is a) capable of remembering and repeating back something said to him seconds before; and b) the kind of guy who might have learned his lines for his Big Day. But it did strike a slightly wrong note in an otherwise moving ceremony.

  3. Adrienne has a point. Obama’s a Constitutional Law nerd — I think he knows how the Oath goes pretty well by now. Roberts messed it up.

    I heard a rumour this morning that, because Obama adores Lincoln so much, he was thinking of wearing a top hat for the swearing-in. I think that would’ve been totally badass, especially if he had a stick-on beard like Lincoln had.

  4. Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today. Thank fucking God.

  5. 5 James

    Roberts flubbed it; Obama recited the oath perfectly as written in our constitution. He would know; hell, he was a professor of constitutional law and me? I’m a law student.

  6. 6 Bones

    “Obama recited the oath perfectly …he was a professor of constitutional law ” And John Roberts is Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. It is probably safe to assume he is familiar with the oath. I don’t know who messed up. But I do think it is funny that some people can’t even admit the possibility that the Chosen One made a mistake.

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