Miscellaneous improvements


Direct-to-video Slap Shot sequels: First off, there shouldn’t be any more sequels to Slap Shot and should never have been any. There is no way in which Stephen Baldwin could become more like Paul Newman that would not be a vast improvement, including dying of lung cancer. But if we must have another film in the series to follow Slap Shot 3: The Junior League, here are my demands. First, a child must at some point celebrate a goal by riding his stick like a witch’s broom, in the manner of Dave “Tiger” Williams. (This may have already happened; I didn’t watch the last movie.) Second, Billy Bob Thornton must step in as the new coach, reprising his role as the curmudgeonly Morris Buttermaker from the remake of The Bad News Bears. And third, the film needs to be a crossover with the Mighty Ducks series, pitting an Emilio Estevez-coached squad against the sons of the Hanson Brothers. Can the Flying Wedge be countered with knee-on-knee hits and two-handers to the ankle? Let’s see.

Hockey fights: Following the death of a senior A hockey player who fell and struck his head on the ice during a hockey fight, changes to the game are being debated. Some are calling for tougher rules making it mandatory to keep helmets on at all times. I’m calling for tougher rules making it mandatory to wear brass knuckles at all times. So-called enforcers will be exempt from this rule; instead, they will wield a matched set of katars, or Indian punch-daggers. Believe me, fighting would be eliminated from hockey overnight if grievous injury or death were a known certainty.

Getting mugged: One evening last week, when I was walking alone, a man leaning against a wall asked me if I had a lighter. I replied that I didn’t smoke, and kept walking. But inside, my heart was pounding. I was just mugged! I thought. Don’t go looking for trouble, but when it comes to you and demands your valuables, such as your wallet or the secret of fire, be ready. Jam your hand in your pocket, scowl, and say, “Buddy, I’m giving you one chance to get the hell out of here, or I’m going to blow you away….” If he passes up his chance to get out the hell out of there, finish, “… with my amazing card tricks! They’re gonna blow your mind!” With a flourish, withdraw a deck of cards from your pocket. Begin the trick, then suddenly throw all the cards in his face and run away. Alternatively, get him to draw a card, and then, when he looks down to memorize it, cleanly draw your gun out of your pocket and blow him away. Couldn’t you could have just shot him when your hand was in your pocket in the first place? Certainly, but why shoot a hole in a perfectly good pocket?

Amazon.com: Employees of Amazon.com should no longer be required to cut or burn off one breast to facilitate drawing a bowstring. This has nothing to do with the modern business world.

Summer blockbuster sequels: There was a Superman II. There was a Spider-Man II. And there’s going to be an Iron Man II. So why not Rain Man II? “Well, because Rain Man isn’t a superhero,” you say? Well, can you count cards, instantly count the matches in a pile, or memorize every name in the Cincinnati phone book? I didn’t think so. All we need is an adversary worthy of Ray Babbitt’s skills. A mentally retarded killer like John Malkovich’s Lenny in Of Mice and Men would be perfect. So would — once again — Billy Bob Thornton, this time reprising his role of Karl Childers from Sling Blade.

One Response to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. Thornton could have his own remake… Sling Blade II: The Resharpening, wherein Karl escapes from prison and teaches a young boy how to fix lawnmower engines. Just spitballin’ here.

    Also, I just saw The Bad News Bears — the original, with Walter Matthau — yesterday on TCM. I love it when kids use racial slurs.

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