Miscellaneous improvements


Assassination: All the intricate schemes and plotting that you’ve seen in the movies aside, you just don’t need to be that alert to take the life of an unsuspecting person. And, before I’ve had that first cup of coffee in the morning, I’m much more inclined to. If I had to go into business as a hired killer, that first assignment would probably be a difficult one, but I think I could use the fact that I’m not a morning person to get over the hump.

Superman’s weaknesses: I just can’t relate to Kryptonite. Sure, there are a couple of eggheads who found out what it’s like to be poisoned by a glowing rock while they were developing the atomic bomb, but most people haven’t had a good bout of radioactive sickness. Plus, Kryptonite affects only Kryptonians (which seems improbable — radioactivity is radioactivity). That’s just Superman and a city full of tiny people stuck in a bottle, who have bigger problems anyway. Who can relate to that? Superman would be a more sympathetic figure to the majority of readers if his one vulnerability were his fear of public speaking. (It would also explain why Clark Kent went into print journalism, and not broadcast.) Instead of synthesizing Kryptonite, Lex Luthor’s most devious plots could involve getting Superman to have to give a speech in front of Metropolis’s chapter of the Kiwanis club. Poor Supes would blush and stammer and freeze up, and after he had a nervous breakdown, Luthor would be free to commit all the crimes he wanted.

Sweaters: I produce an astounding amount of bellybutton lint. My girlfriend is fascinated with this phenomenon and takes a perverse pleasure in plucking it out of there. She also likes knitting. So, our idea is for her to avoid the high cost of store-bought wool by just recycling the lint into wool and using that to knit. My sweaters would actually become self-replicating. Better yet, since the source material is harvested from all the things I’m already wearing, the resulting product should theoretically be in my favorite colour.

The Next Karate Kid: I’m not talking about the upcoming remake of The Karate Kid, starring Will Smith’s son (the less said about that, the better). I’m talking about the 1994 sequel that was actually called The Next Karate Kid, in which Hilary Swank played the title character. If we could do this one over again, wouldn’t it make more sense just to have Swank take over the original Daniel LaRusso character previously played by Ralph Macchio? She proved that she could credibly pass as a boy in Boys Don’t Cry, and it’s not like Macchio isn’t a bit girly in the first place. Frankly, there’s not a lot of difference between them, except that Swank is a better actor. What a missed opportunity.

The Next Million Dollar Baby: On the other hand, it’s fitting that Swank did a Karate Kid movie in the first place. After all, wasn’t her Million Dollar Baby just kind of a darker version of Karate Kid, with the curmudgeonly old master taking on an unlikely student, only to form a strong emotional bond? The only difference is that in the end, instead of falling victim to the crane kick, the Billy Zabka character succeeds in sweeping the leg and the Mr. Miyagi character has to pull the plug on the crippled Daniel-san character. Turnabout is fair play, so, where Hilary Swank once took over a Ralph Macchio franchise, the door is open for Macchio to star in The Next Million Dollar Baby.

4 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. 1 Scott

    Aside from this being a decent post, I’m glad that “Tears in the Toilet” post is no longer at the top. I never did like that movie much other than the “Tears in the Toilet” line.

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    To be fair, I think you were watching a badly translated Japanese version.

  3. Considering Superman comes from another planet, he should in realism be afraid of everything new he sees. If a bird flies past his window, he’d cower before the “living plane thing” or if he goes on holiday and returns to find a weed has grown in his rose garden, he should be terrified by the new development.

    Why can’t we have a superhero who is afraid of everything?

  4. You might want to have a look at this belly-button lint collection and compare your rate of acquisition.


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