Here are some links


No time for a long intro — I had a dream last night that my former boss, Old Man Kasta,walked by my computer just as I’d clicked a link that took me to, and I suddenly had to field a lot of questions about my internet usage in the office. So, even though I’m at home and awake, I’m still paranoid about being on the computer at all.

  • On the way home tonight, I endured one bus ride and two subway rides with a gaggle of obnoxious teenage girls, who were yelling, calling each other sluts, talking loudly about sex, shoving each other, and, at one point, shouting at me and accusing me of staring at them. I actually hadn’t been, though they’d been making such nuisances of themselves that it was impossible not to attract some of my attention. Stop by stop, they gradually went their separate ways, until, by the time we got to my stop, there was only one rather ugly girl left, who was standing in the doorway of the train, not particularly concerned with blocking the paths of people getting on and off. So, when I got off, I made sure to not-very-accidentally step on her foot, hard. This has absolutely nothing to do with this clip, which mashes up this week’s two most ubiquitous clips — Christian Bale’s tirade and the doped-up kid coming home from the dentist — except a general theme of giving snot-nosed young punks what they deserve while commuting.
  • You know the ShamWow commercial? I’ve previously enjoyed parodies of the ad, but like Seth Stevenson at Slate, I still kind of like Vince. Maybe it’s because he reminds me of a fast-talking Johnny Knoxville. Maybe it’s just the chutzpah behind his ridiculous claim that I’m gonna spend $20 a month on paper towels without his product. Or maybe it’s that, in his new Slap Chop commercial, he finds a way to say on TV that I’m gonna love his nuts. As it turns out, I’m right to like Vince, because he hates Scientology and it hates him. After the aspiring filmmaker was ostracized and finanically ruined by his former cult, he picked himself and began building a small commerical empire and using the proceeds to sue them. So, you might want to pick up the phone and order a ShamWow. After all, as he says, those Germans make great stuff. Sure, he’s talking about the ShamWow, but he might as well be talking about their laws banning Scientology.
  • This link was sent over by a commenter to a previous post, but I thought it deserved more attention. It’s the world’s biggest collection of navel fluff. That’s 20 years worth of lint. That’s even longer than the period I spent collecting my nail clippings in jars. The real draw here is the science behind navel lint. As I expected, hairier bellies collect more, which is why I get lint and my girlfriend doesn’t. I think the hair creates some sort of vortex around the navel.
  • From the Wrong-Day-for-White-Jeans Department comes F*** My Life. It’s like those true confessions columns in Cosmopolitan, but for anyone who commits a horrific faux pas or just generally has a terrible life — a life that needs to be f****d.
  • And finally, a story: One afternoon in university, I went to the campus pub with Ian Daffern and my sketchbook, and I was drawing caricatures of our mutual friend Jon. Jon was also my housemate, and one night while he was out, I entertained myself by drawing cartoons of him being forced to give fellatio to fat men. This greatly disturbed and upset him when he came home, but he was partly mollified that, in my depictions of him, he clearly looked like an angrily unwilling participant. So, even though the versions I was drawing at the pub were more PG-rated, I’d had practice drawing Jon and was pretty good at it. In fact, a couple of cute girls took notice and we ended up chatting them up. Ian obviously learned an important lesson about the appeal of comics that day. Now, he writes a comic book called Freelance Blues, and you can check out the first issue here.

6 Responses to “Here are some links”

  1. I felt the same way about being concerned about liking Vince in the SlapChop commercial. Usually, I just FFW right past the commercials, but something INSANE about that one kept me watching the whole time, and though I wanted to hate the host, I did not. It IS good to know that being on his side is justified.

  2. 2 evgrng

    fellatio with angily unwilling participants is definitely the best kind

  3. 3 Peter Lynn

    Also, I heard a rumour that Vince was put up in a hotel room with Billy Mays at a convention, and they got in a fistfight.

  4. 4 KD

    Sweet baby Jesus, can you imagine how awesome the Billy Mays vs. Vince cage match would be! You’d need at least $20 worth of paper towels (or one large ShamWow) to mop up the blood,huge teeth and flying spittle.

  5. I’ve since received confirmation from a credible source who has had actual professional dealings with Vince that Billy Mays does in fact hate his guts, and that this is partly because Vince himself is a first-grade dickhead. On the other hand, Billy Mays is really annoying and shouty. I’ve actually shouted back at the television set to get him to shut up. Then I realized I could just push a button for that.

    So, while I’m still on Vince’s side in the fight against Scientology, I really want to call up Fox Celebrity boxing and set up a grudge match between him and Billy Mays. I think the winner of that fight has to be the American people.

  6. I would pay good money to see Billy Mays slap the sh*t out of Vince. Well, I guess I’d just like to see Billy Mays hurt somebody. He seems like the kind of guy that would laugh manically while crushing someone’s face with the heel of his boot.


    Last week you post a link to “Rule Forty Two” which kept me busy for a solid 2 hours while I read about rock star’s receiving popcorn-scented blowjobs. Now you post a link to F*** My Life, which not only manages to be fresh and funny, but also make me feel better about my life.

    You have managed to make me waste numerous hours being unproductive while relishing in the hedonism/misery of others. Keep it up.

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