Miscellaneous improvements

16Feb09

Movie crossovers: I’ve always associated Road House and Cocktail, for obvious reasons, but I finally had the inspiration to use the Ransom/Taken plan to combine footage from each one to make one so-bad-it’s-good cult classic film about a bar where Patrick Swayze is the bouncer and Tom Cruise is the bartender. Not only is that a dynamic duo, but you also get Sam Elliott and Bryan Brown in the mentor parts, and those two guys alone would make an awesome movie. Plus, my girlfriend points out that you could also splice in the girls from Coyote Ugly, which would truly put the cheese factor over the top. (Can we also splice in an arm-wrestling scene from Over the Top?)

Foot protection: For the first time in years, I finally got myself a decent pair of boots this winter. Feeling invincible in my steel-toed boots, I’ve been kicking every boulder of frozen ice I run across — only to feel a twinge of pain as my vulnerable toes slam into the inside of my boot’s steel toe cap. The only protection offered by steel-toed boots is to the boots themselves, not the wearer, it would seem. But I’ve come up with a way to prevent injury caused by slamming one’s unprotected toes against the inside of steel-toed boots: steel-toed socks.

Ethan Hawke movies: I’ve never liked Ethan Hawke at all. Part of this is that he’s been trying to grow the same shitty-looking goatee since the early nineties, and refuses to quit. While I might ordinarily admire his tenacity, a goatee is no thing to which to aspire. And like most people, I was downright enraged when his character won Winona Ryder’s love at the end of Reality Bites, since he was several orders of magnitude more unlikable than the supposed antagonist of the film, Ben Stiller. As unlikable as Ben Stiller might be to some, he is quite simply much more likable than Ethan Hawke. So, the best way to improve Ethan Hawke films is to simply remake all of them starring Ben Stiller in his roles. Rookie cop Ben Stiller does a ridealong with corrupt veteran Denzel Washington in Training Day? Sounds like a buddy comedy to me. Ben Stiller goes on a train ride with Julie Delpy in Before Sunrise? Can he ejaculate in her hair? Ben Stiller does Hamlet? Hell, Bill Murray played Polonius in the Hawke original, so it’s a can’t-miss comedy team-up.

The Comedy Central roast of Larry the Cable Guy: It seemed inevitable that Jeff Foxworthy would be announced as one of the guests. However, while you’d expect Foxworthy to do his usual shtick, it’d actually pretty good if he inverted the usual formula, as I suspect he will. For example: ” If your real name is Daniel Lawrence Whitney, you might not be a redneck. If you actually had a comfortable upbringing in the Midwest, you might not be a redneck. If your entire persona is nothing more than a cynical put-on adopted to maximize your appeal to actual illiterate rednecks in the Bush-era culture of anti-intellectualism, you might not be a redneck.” Then, as Toby Keith and Jeff Dunham and Peanut try to figure out how to follow that act, the only way to further improve the roast is to padlock the doors to the building and set it on fire.

Farewells: At the close of the next business day, comment to a co-worker how it gives you a good feeling to know you got a lot done that day. Then, as you put on your coat, segue into song: It’s such a good feeling to know you’re alive/ It’s such a happy feeling — you’re growing inside. / And when you wake up ready to say / “I think I’ll make a snappy new day!” [snap both fingers] / It’s such a good feeling, A very good feeling, the feeling that you know that / I’ll be back, when the day is new / And I’ll have more ideas for you [point to your head, then to your co-worker’s] / And you’ll have things you’ll want to talk about / I … will … too! Then, with utter sincerity, say, “You know, you make every day a special day, just by being you.” Then leave. Your co-worker will either feel good about himself inside or very terrified of you. Either way, it should improve your working relationship.



7 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. Have you tried the en pointe ballet thing with the metal-toed boots yet, Peter? It’ll hurt like a bitch, but it’s fun, the one time you’ll do it. But not in a public place, trust me.

    Thanks for the nice comment on blog t.o., by the way. I’m working on the RSS feed thing, but the blog is hand-coded, so it’s not as easy as it looks…

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    Hi Rick! Glad to see you followed my comment back here. I personally wouldn’t have any idea how to set up an RSS feed, but luckily WordPress did mine for me. Meanwhile, I’ll definitely make a point of manually checking your site until you manage to set one up. I’ve been enjoying your work in Metro for a long time now, and I’m looking forward to enjoying it for a bit longer. And I know I’m not alone — my friend Sofi was genuinely distressed to hear you were out of work, particularly since Sandy Garcia still apparently draws a paycheque somewhere. Best of luck making your next move.

  3. Fuckin’ Sandy Garcaetanotalent!

    Grumble grumble, etc.

  4. 4 Gabe

    Totally unrelated. I’m just going through your Ruddy Inc. archives. I love the idea of using fake scripture. For really good made up scripture check out Lamb the Gospel According to Biff Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. Not just for the quotes but because it, along with all his works, are hilarious.

  5. 5 Peter Lynn

    Lamb is actually one of my favorite books. Moore’s other stuff is good, but that one is definitely his creative high-water mark.

  6. Steel toed boots are very good for when you drop something on your foot. Or using a chainsaw. But I’m sure you’ve noticed the cold factor. My toes feel like they’re going to fall off by the end of the day if I’ve been in the cold and snow all day.

  7. 7 Cap'n Gassypants

    I saw an interview with Ben Stiller when he was promoting Reality Bites. My favorite part of the interview was when he said that Ethan Hawke thinks he’s Tom Cruise, only he forgot to make Top Gun.


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