Three very loosely related anecdotes

24Feb09

I ran into a guy I knew at a fencing tournament last weekend, and I couldn’t help but notice that he was obviously freshly shaven. I asked him if he had shaved that morning, and he said he had. I said that I try to never shave before fencing because, inevitably, once I start sweating inside my mask, my whole face ends up stinging. So either I shave a day beforehand or wait until immediately afterward. He said he didn’t have that problem at all because he’d just switched to an old-school safety razor, the kid that uses those double-sided razor blades. It turned out I’d done just the right thing by bringing up this subject because it gave him the chance to wax enthusiastic about how making this switch was the best thing he’d ever done, because now he was getting the best shave of his life. He used that phrase over and over: the best shave of his life. He’d been getting ingrown hairs on his neck and had tried everything, and finally he Googled up some shaving website where he’d gotten the advice to switch to this old-fashioned, sharp-as-the-dickens razor, and now he was getting the best shave of his life.

The odd thing is that, while he was telling me about how he was now getting the best shave of his life, his face was actually scored with a roadmap of angry red nicks and scratches and slices. I personally would reserve the phrase “best shave of my life” for one that didn’t make me look like I’d been attacked and savaged by a feral cat, but to each their own.

* * *

At this same tournament, I walked into a conversation this same guy was having with Zubie, the zany Georgian guy from my club (as in, the former Soviet republic, not the U.S. state). This was evidently a risqué discussion, though a jocular one. “I am a trisexual,” claimed Zubie.

“Right,” said the other guy. “You try very hard.”

“No, no,” said Zubie. “I am a trisexual. I will fuck anything!”

I know the punchline he was going for there, but I not quite sure that he actually does.

* * *

When my girlfriend isn’t worrying about me developing heart disease due to my poor diet, she worries about me being stabbed to death during my efforts to stay in shape. Since fencing was shown in an Ontario government study to be statistically the second-safest sport, ranking only behind lawn bowling, these fears are largely unfounded, although Sylvie, one of the girls in the club, did hit me so hard in the collarbone in a practice bout last week that I thought for a second that it might have been fractured.

I shrugged it off at the time, thus proving that my collarbone was just fine, since it’s one of the major shrugging bones. But later, after I got home, was informed that I reeked, and was directed to take a shower, I noticed in the bathroom mirror that I indeed had a large, red welt on my left collarbone. “Honey, look what Sylvie did to me!” I bellowed, charging back out of the bathroom, pointing at my welt.

My poor girlfriend nearly had a major heart attack at this — because, seeing me running into the bedroom, yelling, and apparently clutching the left side of my chest, she thought I was having a major heart attack. It might be time to cut down on the fried foods.



12 Responses to “Three very loosely related anecdotes”

  1. Those were some awesome stories

  2. 2 KD

    I’m not sure what Zubie was going for either but I’d definitely lock up the livestock.

  3. 3 Jay Pinkerton

    I’ve heard the term “omnisexual” before (in reference to Andy Dick, who evidently has an incredibly low-set bar with regards to sexual partners — “They must exist” seems to be the only line in the sand he’s willing to draw) and “pansexual” (which I recall as a reference to the character Zaphod Beeblebrox in Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker series but I might be misremembering). Either of those terms seems vastly more descriptive and accurate than “trisexual,” which poses more questions than it answers.

  4. 4 Peter Lynn

    A “trisexual” will try anything, just in case the joke wasn’t clear.

  5. 5 Jay Pinkerton

    I thought the joke was that Russian people can’t tell jokes.

  6. 6 Penh

    I hate post-shave itching. I do a lot of costume character work, and don’t dare shave the day of an appearance lest I be driven to madness by that itchy stinging. It’s not as bad as realizing there’s a spider in your head, but it’s pretty bad.

  7. 7 Tyler Linn

    They can, but only when they’re wearing a tricorn.

  8. 8 hilly

    Or when channeling the Triforce.

  9. You literally shrugged it off? That’s a pretty awesome response to almost being run through the shoulder with a sword. You lead an entertaining life of mischief and drama.

  10. 10 Candace

    No he doesn’t! He eats Doritos for dinner and plays computer games until I yell at him to go to bed at 2am on a school night!

  11. I don’t know you, Candace, but I like you.

  12. 12 hilly

    Cool Ranch or Nacho flavor?


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