Miscellaneous improvements

02Mar09

Doctor Who: Nothing against Matt Smith, but the BBC missed the boat when they were casting the eleventh incarnation of the Doctor. Have you seen a recent photo of Margaret Atwood? Forget what I said about her looking like Malcolm Gladwell — throw a long scarf on her, and she’s a dead ringer for Tom Baker, the greatest Doctor of them all.

Substance-abusing author biopics: It’s odd that Matt Dillon and Mickey Rourke, who played the brothers Rusty James and the Motorcycle Boy in the film version of S.E. Hinton’s Rumble Fish, each later portrayed boozehound/author Charles Bukowski. (Rourke played Bukowski first in Barfly, then Dillon took the role in Factotum.)  This is like if Ponyboy, Sodapop, and Darrel Curtis from The Outsiders — C. Thomas Howell, Rob Lowe, and Patrick Swayze, respectively — all went on to separately play William S. Burroughs. And they should.

Other people’s boring stories: The next time some windbag repeats the same boring anecdote you’ve heard him tell a million times, feel free to interrupt with “I know just what you mean! The same thing happened to me!” Then quickly recount his story back to him in great detail, except with yourself cast in the lead role. A few things can result. Either he’ll get the picture and realize he’s already bored you several times with this story. Or he’ll become disoriented and wonder if it even happened to him at all, or if he once heard you mention it and somehow came to believe it happened to him. Or, he’ll decide that you two have a lot in common and will like you more. None of these are particularly bad outcomes.

Vesa Toskala’s goaltending: This comes directly from my girlfriend. She may have been tipsy at the time, but a good idea is a good idea. We were watching a Maple Leafs game at the pub, and the camera cut to a close-up of goaltender Vesa Toskala, whose mask bears the terrifying visage of a demonic skull. “Toskala’s mask is badass,” she said. “But he’s not badass. He sucks. They should make him wear a Care Bears mask. Then, when he doesn’t suck, he can earn back his badass mask.”

Mixed martial arts: This also comes from watching TV at the pub with my tipsy girlfriend. “The UFC is so gay,” she said, watching two sweaty men roll around on the mat together, each vying to dominate the other. “They should just add rape.”



5 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. Hey Peter! It’s Barry Price! What’s your e-mail address!!!

    B.

    today’s blog post: http://sillyplatypus.blogspot.com/2009/03/tanaka-wins-boss-kiss-award.html

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    I’ve sent my e-mail to your e-mail, Barry!

  3. jajajaj very funny article!

  4. 4 Scott

    I think you need a new spam filter, Pete. JajaJAaJaJ!

  5. 5 Peter Lynn

    I actually think this guy is for real, believe it or not. He might seem like a spammer, but some of his responses have been too on-topic to be a robot. So, while he seems to have an obvious agenda to get people to go visit his gambling site, if it’s a legit comment, I guess I’ll approve it. (The spam filter does catch him, and then I have to moderate the comments.) It’s not like I don’t comment on other sites without at least some hope that people might click on my name.


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