Miscellaneous improvements


Wesley Snipes catchphrases: A co-worker mentioned to me that she’d won at roulette at the casino betting on black. “Always bet on black!” I exclaimed. Then I had to explain that this was African-American action star Wesley Snipes’s catchphrase from Passenger 57. (He asks the bad guy if he ever plays roulette, then gives him the above advice. Of course, if Graham Greene, Tom Jackson, or Floyd Red Crow Westerman had played the part, the line would have been “Always bet on red.”) But considering his recent conviction for tax evasion, maybe Snipes isn’t the best person to be giving financial advice. That said, if there’s ever a sequel to Passenger 57 (which would of course be called Passenger 58), Snipes should set up his next catchphrase by again asking the bad guy if he ever plays roulette, then snarl, “Never declare your winnings!

Tyler Perry’s Madea movies: I liked these better when they were on TV and were called Mama’s Family. More Vicki Lawrence, less Tyler Perry, please.

The Toronto Maple Leafs’ goaltending:  Vesa Toskala is done for the year, thanks to season-ending surgery, but his replacement, Martin Gerber, doesn’t inspire much confidence. My girlfriend has been highly critical of Toskala, but it can’t be said that she doesn’t have some ideas for improving things. So, here are three more candidates that she has suggested as an upgrade between the pipes: (a) whoever answers a classified ad in the Toronto Sun (b) a strong ping-pong player (c) a Japanese robot dressed in goalie equipment, controlled from the stands via a Nintendo Wii by a different lucky contest winner during each game. 

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: Hollywood remakes are an inevitable fact of life. So, instead of remaking Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner as another drama about a daughter bringing her black fiancé to dinner, how about a comedy about a daughter bringing her fat fiancé to dinner? Panic about interracial marriage is replaced by fears that the family will be eaten out of house and home. I see Jack Black in the Sidney Poitier role, or maybe Kevin James, although it would have been a perfect project for Chris Farley. (My other idea for a remake: A daughter’s parents are horrified when she gets engaged to a baby with the voice of Bruce Willis in Look Who’s Talking at Dinner.)

Rorschach tests: No matter what its precise shape is or how many the psychiatrist has already shown you, the correct answer to the question of what the inkblot looks like is always “my mother’s vagina”.

5 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. 1 Peter Lynn

    Regarding the Japanese robot idea, I just want to point out that the Los Angeles Kings actually tried something similar when they drafted Yukata Fukufuji from the Kokudo Ice Hockey Club in Asia League Ice Hockey. Also, I note that a Honda ASIMO robot costs less than $1 million to build and can be rented out for $166,000 per year. Even if you toss in the admittedly high cost of a Nintendo Wii, this is still considerably less than the cost of paying a human player an entry-level contract in the NHL.

  2. 2 Eric

    All inkblots look like Peter Lynn’s mother’s vagina – got it. Thanks.

  3. 3 Eric

    (Sorry Mrs. Lynn)

  4. That Candace is one smart cookie.

    Not only would the robotic, fan-controlled robot be much cheaper than a human player, it would be fair more entertaining and would boost ticket sales.

    Another option would be to simply allow a morbidly obese bed-ridden individual to lay in front of the goal in exchange for an endless supply of Hot Pockets.

  5. 5 Question Mark

    Clearly you missed the remake that switched the ethnicities, with Bernie Mac’s daughter bringing home Ashton Kutcher. Because watching the original, I couldn’t help but think that Tracy and Poitier are pretty good actors, but Bernie and Ashton would kick this movie into really high gear.

    A buddy of mine actually won a couple hundred bucks with the ‘always bet on black’ strategy, and then immediately left the table so he could brag about it forever.

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