Wesley Snipes catchphrases: A co-worker mentioned to me that she’d won at roulette at the casino betting on black. “Always bet on black!” I exclaimed. Then I had to explain that this was African-American action star Wesley Snipes’s catchphrase from Passenger 57. (He asks the bad guy if he ever plays roulette, then gives him the above advice. Of course, if Graham Greene, Tom Jackson, or Floyd Red Crow Westerman had played the part, the line would have been “Always bet on red.”) But considering his recent conviction for tax evasion, maybe Snipes isn’t the best person to be giving financial advice. That said, if there’s ever a sequel to Passenger 57 (which would of course be called Passenger 58), Snipes should set up his next catchphrase by again asking the bad guy if he ever plays roulette, then snarl, “Never declare your winnings!”
Tyler Perry’s Madea movies: I liked these better when they were on TV and were called Mama’s Family. More Vicki Lawrence, less Tyler Perry, please.
The Toronto Maple Leafs’ goaltending: Vesa Toskala is done for the year, thanks to season-ending surgery, but his replacement, Martin Gerber, doesn’t inspire much confidence. My girlfriend has been highly critical of Toskala, but it can’t be said that she doesn’t have some ideas for improving things. So, here are three more candidates that she has suggested as an upgrade between the pipes: (a) whoever answers a classified ad in the Toronto Sun (b) a strong ping-pong player (c) a Japanese robot dressed in goalie equipment, controlled from the stands via a Nintendo Wii by a different lucky contest winner during each game.
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: Hollywood remakes are an inevitable fact of life. So, instead of remaking Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner as another drama about a daughter bringing her black fiancé to dinner, how about a comedy about a daughter bringing her fat fiancé to dinner? Panic about interracial marriage is replaced by fears that the family will be eaten out of house and home. I see Jack Black in the Sidney Poitier role, or maybe Kevin James, although it would have been a perfect project for Chris Farley. (My other idea for a remake: A daughter’s parents are horrified when she gets engaged to a baby with the voice of Bruce Willis in Look Who’s Talking at Dinner.)
Rorschach tests: No matter what its precise shape is or how many the psychiatrist has already shown you, the correct answer to the question of what the inkblot looks like is always “my mother’s vagina”.
Filed under: Miscellaneous Improvements | 5 Comments