Miscellaneous improvements


Transporting a minor across state lines: Although I don’t endorse circumventing age-of-consent laws, the situation may arise when you need to transport a minor across state lines for the purposes of sexual procurement. Why, I don’t know, or want to — I’m only here to tell you how. This is how: At the border, fake a breakdown. Put the car in neutral and tell your minor you just need a push-start. As you’re the only licensed driver, you have to stay at the wheel, so the minor’s going to have to get out and push. As the car is pushed across the border, gun the engine back to life and then let your passenger back in. Congratulations — you haven’t transported a minor across state lines at all. In fact, technically, the minor has transported you.

Getting people watching the Watchmen: Last weekend, my girlfriend and I went downtown to get tickets for Watchmen, and then, as we wandered around Queen St. West for a while before the show started, I recognized the silhouetted Hiroshima lovers seen frequently as graffiti throughout the comic book spray-painted in an alley right in front of us (which was beside the Silver Snail, a comic-book shop). I was drawn further into the alley to investigate, and I found additional graffiti, including the slogans “Who Watches the Watchmen?”, “The End is Nigh”, and “Better Blue Than Red”; a campaign poster for Richard Nixon with the phrase “Four More Years”; and ads for the Veidt Method and Tales of the Black Freighter. I think that toothed Venus symbol might have been there too. I thought this was a pretty clever guerrilla marketing campaign. But what would have really taken it to the next level would have been if, once we were fully lured into the alley, we had then been beset by a gang of Knot-Tops, who then proceeded to let us beat them all up, just like Dan Dreiberg and Laurie Juspeczyk do in the comic.

Dirty Dancing: The Musical: Though I made my girlfriend watch Watchmen, I did not accompany her and her parents to the stage production of Dirty Dancing. What would have gotten me into a seat, though, would be if the Patrick Swayze role had been filled not with some prancing ex-theatre major, but with an actor frequently compared to Patrick Swayze, Jean Paul Tremblay, in his character of Julian from Trailer Park Boys. Instead of taking a hands-on approach to dance instruction, he would of course just stand around with a rum and coke, grimacing and ordering the Jennifer Grey character, “Just get over there and fuckin’ learn to dance. I’m not in the mood for any bullshit today.” The climactic “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” scene would be much the same, except with more cursing and a handgun pointed at her father’s head.

FDR’s revisionist history: The right wing, having little else to do these days, has busied itself with rewriting history about former president Franklin Delano Roosevelt, claiming falsely that the New Deal was a failure and that he prolonged the Great Depression instead of shortening it. If we’re just going to make things up about FDR, let’s just agree he was either a veteran police detective turned private investigator after being paralyzed by a sniper’s bullet, an activist who circled the world in his wheelchair to raise funds for spinal cord research, or a paraplegic genius who assembled and led the team of super-powered misfits known as the Doom Patrol. Hell, let’s go with all three.

George Lucas’s neck: At 64, director George Lucas still has a big, full, magnificent head of hair, which almost counterbalances his big, full, magnificent head of neck. I have no idea what’s up with that neck. It looks like a goiter. Maybe he’s not getting enough iodized salt or something. What I do know is that if he could learn to inflate that throat sac to scare off would-be predators or to serve as a resonating chamber when making a territorial hooting call to warn other directors to stay away from the Lucasfilm franchise, it could prove to be an advantageous evolutionary adaptation. Something to practice, George.

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Oh, by the way, I joined Twitter.

2 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. 1 Jay Pinkerton

    “But what would have really taken it to the next level would have been if, once we were fully lured into the alley, we had then been beset by a gang of Knot-Tops, who then proceeded to let us beat them all up, just like Dan Dreiberg and Laurie Juspeczyk do in the comic.”

    Or, as in the movie, let you proceed to brutally murder and rip them apart, gouging knives into their necks and shattering splinters of bone through forearm skin.

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    Yeah, I thought that was a bit over the top. In the comic, it’s just good, clean fun, more of a sexual release for the heroes than a sating of their thirst for blood. But when Laurie stuck a knife in that guy’s neck, it didn’t seem right. There’s no way Warner Brothers would let me do that to their hired goons for the sake of a publicity stunt.

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