The Banter Report


My office

Me: And what are you doing in my office while I’m not here?
Coworker: Well, first I went through your briefcase. Then I tuned all your pens upside-down. And then I read that entire binder marked “Fonts: J to Z”.
Me: Ah, yes. That one’s a real page-turner. In the end, it turns out that Zapf Dingbats did it.

I am told not to quit my day job. Then, adding insult to injury, I am forced to turn my attention to the work just placed on my desk by my coworker and actually do my day job.

* * *

The Willow, a Mexican restaurant

Our usual waitress: How is everything over here?
Me: Good. We’re just trying to figure out how old Patrick Swayze is. I’m thinking 55. What do you think?
Waitress: Oh, I hate that guy! He annoys me!
Me: Well, you’re in luck then, since he’s dying.
Waitress: What?
Me: He has pancreatic cancer. So he’ll be out of your hair soon.
Waitress: Oh. Um … [waving hands around in half-hearted glee] … yay!

Through an only-tangentially-related line of conversation, our waitress mentions that Point Break is one of her favorite movies and is then surprised to learn that Patrick Swayze is not only in it but in fact plays one of the starring roles. She decides to give him another chance.

* * *

At home

Girlfriend: Guess who’s getting the shit cuddled out of him tonight?
Me: Not Liam Neeson.

No cuddles for me either.

4 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 John M

    That last one ROCKS!!! I’m not sure if it’s because of the whole – ‘His wife is dead’ thing, or the mental image of Candice actually squeezing you so hard it makes you sh*t.

  2. 2 Jay Pinkerton

    I forwarded the last one around the office, and was able to tell when people’d read it by the distant sound of loud laughter.

  3. 3 Stocc

    It’s important that you suffer for your art.

  4. 4 Tupps

    ooh man, you reap what you sow but be that as it may…I was hungry for a liam neeson related joke ever since it happened. I dropped a jett travolta joke like the day after it occurred and the responses were grim.

    hahaha. thankz man.

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