The Banter Report


At home.

My girlfriend:
Did you see the premium Achewood update where Ray and Roast Beef go to Jollibee? I thought it was hilarious because I’ve been there and it’s terrible.
Me: What’s Jollibee?
My girlfriend: It’s the number one fast-food chain in the Philippines.
Me: What’s the number two fast-food chain in the Philippines? A guy standing on a street corner with a can opener, handing out cans of SPAM?

I vow to remember this for the next time I see my Filipino friends. Meanwhile, Man vs. Clown readership numbers decline in the Philippines.

* * *

At home.

My girlfriend:
I think this was in the movie Happiness. There’s this little kid, and he thinks that sex is when you put your bums together, and then you poo and it goes up her bum, and then she poos and it goes up your bum, and it just goes back and forth like that.
Me: This sounds more like a German sex education film to me.

I didn’t have any German friends and don’t gain any. Meanwhile, Man vs. Clown readership numbers decline in Germany.

* * *

In the bedroom.

Look at this long hair I just found.
My girlfriend: I thought that was blonde. I was going to kill you for cheating on me. Then I realized it was mine.
Me: Man, if I ever have another woman in my bed, she’s going to need a bikini wax and a hair net.
My girlfriend: Or you could just do it with … never mind.
Me: Jade Goody?
My girlfriend: Yes.
Me: My window for having sex with Jade Goody is closing fast.

I congratulate myself for my mind-reading powers while my girlfriend berates herself for having such awful thoughts in the first place. Meanwhile, Man vs. Clown readership numbers decline among the bereaved family of the late Jade Goody.

5 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 Tupps

    Your gratuitous slights against almost everyone is quite a testament to where you draw your moral lines. I wouldn’t have thought that you’d be able to one-up yourself from the Liam Neeson incident.

    Be that as it may and in lieu of the cheap superlative, you’re one funny motherfucker.

    Oh, I’ll try and keep the readership number in Malaysia on a constant. Haha.

  2. 2 Will

    Hey, just to add into the conversation on the poop movie – that’s “Me and You and Everyone We Know.”

    Robby: Say, “You poop into my butt hole and I poop into your butt hole… back and forth… forever.”

  3. 3 Stocc

    Why in the world do you both know who Jade Goody is?

  4. 4 rupertdogstein

    Damn. Beaten.

  5. 5 Tupps

    wait a minute…if the Filipino guy has a can opener then does that mean the cans of spam which he hands out are already opened? I thought spam cans came with the pull tab…

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