In other news, happy Holy Wednesday
Hey, guess what I don’t have in common with cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, outlaw Jesse James, and sitcom starlet Dana Plato as of today? I lived to be thirty five! I’m halfway to my Biblically appointed threescore and ten years. That officially makes me middle aged.
Not like you, playwright Joe Orton! Suck my balls, gaylord!
Just last year, I crowed about how I was officially bigger than Jesus. And I stand by that claim. Only a couple of days ago, I was bragging about how more people have probably read my words during my lifetime than read his words during his lifetime. After all, I have a much bigger internet presence than he did. I have a blog. And a Facebook account. And a Twitter account. That guy? He didn’t even have dial-up. Oh, he got pretty big later on — there’s no doubt about that. I’m just saying that at this rate, I stand to be even more famous than Jesus.
Not to mention anyone else in history who didn’t make it to my age. Eat my shit, Emperor Maximilian I of Mexico!
“In his defense, Jeffrey Dahmer did way more with his life than you have,” says my girlfriend. “You haven’t killed nearly as many people. It’s like you’re not even trying!”
She’s got a point. But then, why should I even bother murdering people when the cruel scythe of time cuts them down for me while I just sit at home, eating birthday cake and laughing maniacally?
Fuck you, former World Wrestling Federation champion Yokozuna!
Filed under: Dead People Are Chumps | 11 Comments