In other news, happy Holy Wednesday


Hey, guess what I don’t have in common with cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, outlaw Jesse James, and sitcom starlet Dana Plato as of today? I lived to be thirty five! I’m halfway to my Biblically appointed threescore and ten years. That officially makes me middle aged.

Not like you, playwright Joe Orton! Suck my balls, gaylord!

Just last year, I crowed about how I was officially bigger than Jesus. And I stand by that claim. Only a couple of days ago, I was bragging about how more people have probably read my words during my lifetime than read his words during his lifetime. After all, I have a much bigger internet presence than he did. I have a blog. And a Facebook account. And a Twitter account. That guy? He didn’t even have dial-up. Oh, he got pretty big later on — there’s no doubt about that. I’m just saying that at this rate, I stand to be even more famous than Jesus.

Not to mention anyone else in history who didn’t make it to my age. Eat my shit, Emperor Maximilian I of Mexico!

“In his defense, Jeffrey Dahmer did way more with his life than you have,” says my girlfriend. “You haven’t killed nearly as many people. It’s like you’re not even trying!”

She’s got a point. But then, why should I even bother murdering people when the cruel scythe of time cuts them down for me while I just sit at home, eating birthday cake and laughing maniacally?

Fuck you, former World Wrestling Federation champion Yokozuna!

11 Responses to “In other news, happy Holy Wednesday”

  1. 1 Adrienne

    Joyous Natal Day, Peter! (For reasons I don’t fully understand, I continue to note your birthday (and Richard Smith’s, which was yesterday) in my day timer. Residual GW strangeness….) May beverages be consumed in your honour!

  2. 2 Stocc

    Merry Petermas! Did you get any dead rock stars this year?

  3. 3 Peter Lynn

    @ Adrienne: Thanks! I forgot it was Rich’s birthday, although he reminded me in his birthday greeting on Facebook. Also, for an odd reason, I always remember Tom Darby’s birthday on April 5. Who’s Tom Darby? Just some guy I went to school with.

    @ Stocc: Yes! Layne Staley of Alice in Chains, Paul Williams of the Temptations, and Elliott Smith. Also jazz saxophonist Charlie Parker, who was kind of a rock star of his time and genre.

  4. 4 jtl

    You’ve also lived longer than Mama Cass, Évariste Galois and Anne Frank. Congrats!

  5. 5 Jenn

    Happy Birthday! No, I didn’t forget.

  6. 6 Stocc

    I meant did you receive the gift of any rock stars dying for your birthday like back when my buddy Kurdt ate his shotgun.

  7. 7 Marlene

    As Scott says, Merry Petermas. I will go to church in your honour.

  8. Merry Petermas! Time to add the traditional miniature paper effigies of those you’ve outlived to the Petermas tree, which I shall ignite the traditional 35 minutes before midnight.

  9. … on Peter Sunday, of course. It’s not that I forgot to check this blog for four days so didn’t realize that it was your birthday on Wednesday despite it being right there in the title, nosiree. It’s *tradition*.

  10. 10 Phil

    In a fit of pique has death claimed you?

    Taunting death on your birthday whilst pointing out numerous others he has silenced was a bold move but I guess we all know that he was going to win in the end.

  1. 1 Enter the mid-life (36 years) | Man vs. Clown!

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