Miscellaneous improvements


Curtain jerking: Back when professional wrestling was dominated by so-called squash matches, “enhancement talent” — or “jobbers” — usually didn’t get much opportunity to muster any offense, let alone say a few words on the microphone. So, although some managed to accrue a degree of cult popularity, most remained pretty anonymous. If I were a jobber, something that I think might help gain me some notoriety would be to silently deride my opponent before the match with a homophobic pantomime of limp-wristed gestures and little mincing steps. Then, as my enraged, oiled-up, musclebound opponent proceeded to manhandle me, I would react to every blow with orgasmic moans and shudders, and with the aid of a little blue pill taken prior to the match, would develop an enormous, throbbing erection that threatened to burst right out of the front of my tight wrestling trunks.

Getting a bargain: Like a charlatan giving himself an air of respectability by wearing a priest’s collar, if you’re trying to finagle the best possible bargain in any kind of business deal, it might help to don a yarmulke in advance. That way, the other party won’t simply think of you as cheap; he’ll assume you’re Jewish. Then he’ll be forced to confront his own prejudices and will inevitably become full of self-loathing for buying into anti-Semitic stereotypes. Suddenly, it’s not your fault for being cheap — it’s his fault for thinking you are. His guilt will then give you the upper hand in negotiations. Note: This probably won’t work when haggling over the price of a ham or a shrimp ring.

Starting a country music career: My girlfriend has become fascinated with CMT videos and the onomastics of country music. “Country music names are just like porn names, only more subtle,” she says. “Buck Naked would almost work for both, for example.” Pointing to George Canyon, she notes that you just start with a good-ol’-boy first name and then stick something rural-sounding on the end of it. (Keith Urban is of course the exception to this.) “You could just go down to the Lone Star Grill and steal the waiters’ names,” she suggests. I’ve tried figuring out what my country music name would be, but so far, she’s nixed all my favorites, including Pete Cowboy Boots, Pete Chicken-Fried Steak, and Pete John Wayne.

Enjoying Lost: I’ve never seen a single episode of Lost. Not one. And yet, as good as I hear it is, I think I’m actually deriving more entertainment value from the show than any of its avid viewers. What I do is this: When it’s on, I leave my girlfriend alone to watch it and only return for the very last minute of the show. No matter what happens in that last minute, no matter incomprehensible it might be to me, it just utterly blows her mind. A monkey could hit that fat guy in the groin with a football, and she’d shriek, “I knew it!” Or the show could end with a thirty-second shot of a guy watching television, and she’d wail, “Aaugh! Why do they do this to me?” I have no idea what’s going on, but I really enjoy these reactions. So, if you’ve never seen Lost, I suggest you don’t even try to get caught up. You can do that later. And for now, you can enjoy it as I do, on an entirely different level.

Taking a phone call in a restaurant: One of the fastest ways to look boorish is to let your fellow diners’ quiet dinner in a fancy restaurant be interrupted by the shrill, piercing ring of your cell phone. Try changing your phone’s ring tone to a recording of dishes smashing. (You can find a suitable sample on many sound effects CDs or, failing that, approximately a minute into the Velvet Underground’s “European Son”.) That way, when your ringer goes off, your fellow diners will look around for the clumsy waiter who just dropped a bunch of dishes. While they cluck sympathetically or applaud sarcastically, you can discreetly take your call. Beware, however, of missing important calls during Greek weddings or of accidentally letting your phone ring and triggering traumatic memories in others of violent arguments between their parents.

6 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. 1 Siwelkire

    Gotta say, Mr. Lynn, I enjoy Lost in the exact same way. It’s great. Especially that episode where the monkey hit the fat guy in the nuts with a football.

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    I knew it!

  3. I was right!!

  4. This is, no joke, the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time. Literally tears of laughter welled in my eyes. Holy cow.

  5. 5 Peter Lynn

    Which part?

  6. 6 Tupps

    i tried it out, watching Lost at the last minute thing. I didn’t get much of what was going on. I tried it on CSI as well, just as David Caruso’s neck inflected downwards and he takes off his shades to close the scene with a poorly written and atrociously timed remark.

    I’d pay to watch a wrestling match like that, not out of some deep seated perversion or anything. It’s funny and I just like watching people squirm, man.

    oh yeah, European Son! 😀

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