The Banter Report


On the bus, shortly after signing the lease on our new apartment

My girlfriend: Do you realize that we basically just signed on to date each other for another year?
Me: Now I feel like I should have negotiated some performance-based bonuses into my contract.
My girlfriend: You were supposed to perform last night, but you were too drunk.

I am mortified that she would practically shout that last part on a crowded bus.

* * *

On the phone

Me: I think I’m allergic to my new bathrobe.
My girlfriend: Use mine then.
Me: But it’s white. I’m scared to fart in it.
My girlfriend: A fart should not leave a mark. That’s a poo.
Me: Well, that’s semantics.
My girlfriend: That is not semantics. We need to take you back to chemistry class to teach you the difference between a solid and a gas.

I never go back to chemistry class.

* * *

At home

My girlfriend: Most people in university shouldn’t be there. I loved my time there, but I don’t value my degree at all, and if I’d just listened to my mom, I’d probably be a nurse and be happy instead of having wandered aimlessly for ten years and wasting my money.
Me: The problem, I think, is that high schools need better guidance counselors. I remember taking all those computer programs that were supposed to say what you should be, and I remember thinking, “Gerontologist! Well, that’s interesting.” But there’s no way I’d have acted on it. It was just like some stupid online quiz.
My girlfriend: Like, “What kind of swear word are you?”
Me: Right. But if I’d had a real, live human actually ask the right questions, who knows what I’d be now. If, just once, my guidance counselor had asked, “Do you like playing SimCity?” I’d have been like “God, yes!” and I’d probably be an urban planner today.
My girlfriend: “Do you like playing Dungeons and Dragons? Then you should be a wizard.”
Me: I would love to be a wizard.

I strongly consider going back to wizard school.

15 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. I would also like to be a Wizard.

  2. 2 Bob

    I’ve just decided that your girlfriend may in fact be the coolest woman alive.

  3. 3 thea

    my roommate and I distinguish between solid farts and air farts, so we’re with you on that one.

  4. 4 John M

    Too Drunk? Not possible, she just has to work at it a little more… “If I pass out, just help yourself.” I’ll agree with Bob, she SOUNDS cool, but obviously a quitter…
    (Pete, I AM hoping that she doesn’t like being called a quitter, and next time all will be well 😉 )

  5. 5 MC

    I love your girlfriend. Too bad you signed that lease to be together for another year.

    *starts making plots for May 2010*

  6. 6 jtl

    I’ll defer to the movie Clerks for the spirit of my comment, as I think they pretty nicely summed up the role/perspective of high school guidance counsellors, by-and-large.

  7. 7 KD

    Your girlfriend is so awesome (she had me at baked potato) I want to run off to Vermont, Massachusetts or Iowa and marry her. Sure, we’d have to change our sexual orientation but we could work it out.
    Ok, would get get hammered and talk about boys instead.

  8. omg, that’s a real girlfriend!

  9. 9 Candace

    Well looky here at all my potential suitors!
    Petey better treat me right!

  10. 10 Scott

    …or start maligning you in his blog instead.

  11. 11 Peter Lynn

    I thought I was.

  12. 12 Margaret

    When a fart leaves something behind, those are called FARTICLES! =)

  13. 13 John M

    I have set aside a special place in my heart for KD….

  14. 14 Lourenço

    When a wizard farts..does it leave a mark?

  15. 15 Tupps

    Just make sure your wizard’s robe isn’t white ehh.

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