My girlfriend insisted on doing a blog post


I am dictating. This is my girlfriend speaking:

Hey everybody!

This is Candace, otherwise known as Candy-ass. ‘sup? [she is kind of jerking her chin up as she says, “‘sup” in a “cool” and casual way.] I am a relationship expert and you should ask me all your relationship questions, because I am good, except when I am bitching and telling you off. Tell them I am a relationship expert except when it comes to me. Man, the landlord is going to be mad if I spill wine on the carpet.

Tell you what, I’ll just stick my head outside the room and lie on the floor like this. Like this. [Rolling around on floor] Bring me a tissue. ’cause I have some drops. But I didn’t make them. Honey, are you coming? [now lying facedown on floor]

No, you’re not still dictating. ‘Cause it’s embarrassing. C’mon. We got to get to the stove on our bellies. Like Jabba!

No! Don’t drink my drink! Because it’s mine! You didn’t like when I did it to you!

Did you know that the Canucks are still in hockey? My kids told me today. They’re in grade one.

No, wait! Stop! Will you marry me if our relationship looks like a frog? Like a frog. Wait. Let me explain. Because that print I did where we’re hugging. Everyone thinks it looks like a frog.Will you marry me if our relationship looks like a frog?

Can you turn on Randy Bachman? Will you still marry me if I’m drunk every Friday night? We can tell Randy Bachman, ‘Fuck you, Randy Bachman, I’m not working overtime.’

I love you overtime. Do you hate me because I’m drunk? I told you I was getting drunk. Can you please drag me to the living room? I’m sorry. I had a hard week. Special education people are hard. That’s why I had to start with pickles tonight. Pickles and alcohol.

12 Responses to “My girlfriend insisted on doing a blog post”

  1. 1 Scott

    Any chance you’ll be blogging her regret as she dictates it to you tomorrow?

  2. 2 John M

    Sounds exactly like my wife after a week of teaching….Educators love their wine..

  3. 3 easy

    “Pickles and alcohol”. I’ve been there.

  4. 4 Candace


  5. 5 Scott

    Don’t be too cringy, Candy-ass. There are some awesome lines in there.

    “We got to get to the stove on our bellies.”

    “Fuck you, Randy Bachman, I’m not working overtime.”

    “Can you please drag me to the living room?”

    Plus you can include the line “I love you overtime” in the vows at your frog-relationship wedding.

  6. Special education people ARE hard. I understand having to spend friday nights that way.

  7. 7 MC

    This is the type of thing that has given you a throng of adoring fans Candace.

  8. 8 KD

    Honey,let me give you some drinking advice. If you’re worried about the carpets, drink white wine. Although I prefer red, I always drink white in any situation that could require a dry-cleaning bill, a carpet steamer or an incensed landlord.

  9. 9 Candace

    We’ve already decided to ban it from the house warming party!

  10. 10 jtl

    John M: I’m really more of a beer and scotch kind of educator. Then again, I’m not in the special ed (aka: Academic Resource) department.

  11. This post is the best thing that has appeared on Man Vs. Clown since the Ascension.

    Maybe before.

    We clamour for Candace!

    Put her back on, Piotr Piotrivitch.

  12. 12 Peter Lynn

    @ Barry Price: By The Ascension, I assume you must mean my termination by our former employer, where I’m pretty glad not to be working, particularly in light of the recent product recall.

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