Miscellaneous improvements

  • Matthew McConaughey: If only some Ghost of Terrible Romantic Comedies Future had shown Charles Dickens that his A Christmas Carol would only lead to some insultingly awful Matthew McConaughey dreck called Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, he’d have immediately jumped off a railway trestle instead of writing the thing. If McConaughey really has to rip off Dickens, how about a romcom adaptation of Tale of Two Cities? That way, at least long-suffering boyfriends dragged to watch it could see him get his head cut off at the end.
  • Celebrity Vulcan cameos: With the new Star Trek movie already out, filmmakers have again missed out on the chance to stick pointed ears on a celebrity for an amusing cameo. (Unless they did; I still haven’t dragged my long-suffering girlfriend to watch it.) Jim Parsons from the Big Bang Theory is the most obvious candidate. But I’ve long wanted to see Leonard Cohen strumming a Vulcan harp. Dustin Hoffman has the right look as well. Bebe Neuwirth in full Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane mode would be the hottest yet most frigid lady Vulcan since Kim Cattrall. And not only does Mad TV alumnus Phil LaMarr look a little like Tuvok, Voyager’s resident black Vulcan, but he also provided the voice of Black Vulcan on Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law.
  • Andrew “Dice” Clay: Packing for my recent move, I found the diploma I received for graduating kindergarten, which is labeled “Bachelor of Rhymes.” Not only do I have the skills to pay the bills, but I also have the accreditation from an institute of learning. The only problem is that most of my profanity-laced rhymes now in fact actually make me quite unwelcome on college campuses, and have done so ever since the politically correct early nineties. In that way, I am exactly like leather-jacketed standup comic Andrew “Dice” Clay. This got me thinking about the Diceman’s image problem, which I believe can be solved with a simple re-punctuation of his name to make him seem more feminized and sensitive. Goodbye, Andrew “Dice” Clay, male chauvinist pig. Hello, Andrew Dice-Clay, women’s studies professor!
  • The current season of 24: The most recent episode ended with two evil henchpeople posing as a married couple in the airport and threatening to kill an unsuspecting Kim Bauer. Too bad. If only a single attractive older woman were menacing Kim, it’d be an amusing, self-aware callback to the infamous cougar incident of Season 2. Maybe Kim could even be engrossed in a paperback copy of Bear Trap: The Fall of Bear Sterns and the Panic of 2008.
  • The Dirty Sanchez: With an extra flourish across the eyebrows, it becomes the Dirty Frida Kahlo. You’re welcome.

6 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. 1 Jay Pinkerton

    Can you maybe provide links to whatever the hell it is you’re talking about, for those of us who aren’t intimately up to date on Mathew McConaughey’s upcoming romantic comedies?

    BUSH LEAGUE internets, Lynn. BUSH LEAGUE.

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    This from the guy who called me out for linking too much when I started this blog? (Rightly, but that’s not the point.) Fine. Here’s a link that will answer all your questions.

  3. 3 tupps

    I watched one Diceman stand up act on youtube, no way he’d ever be a women’s studies professor..haha, especially when he makes a mention of the first woman who ever wanted to give a blowjob. Dirty Frida Kalho…hahahaa.

    That’s so your bit man, if i see it anywhere else, I’m notifying you.

  4. 4 KD

    Not only does that McConaughey movie steal from Dickens, it reminds me of ‘Flatliners’ with the cute Baldwin brother being haunted by his past girlfriends he fimed during sex which I only watched recently because Jack Bauer was in it and he wasn’t all sweaty and “prion-variant” infected.

  5. 5 MC

    I think all would have been forgiven if the producers of 24 had indeed winked at the audience like that.

  6. 6 Keith

    Pointy ears… in my pants.

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