Miscellaneous improvements


Jon and Kate Plus Eight: If the fecund Jon and Kate Gosselin prove less adept at fixing their rocky marriage than spitting out legions of progeny, the next season of their reality show, if there is one, might well be called Kate Minus Jon Plus Eight. Here’s what I propose for next season’s storylines: Fed up with Jon’s cheating, Kate files for divorce, but the  judge finds that she’s such a castrating bitch that he sentences her to prison. Meanwhile, Jon lives large, getting eight lap dances from eight strippers while pounding eight straight shots of tequila. Custody of the couple’s brood is awarded to Nadya “Octomom” Suleman, who has experience raising eight children and who will appreciate them.

Celebrity matchmaking: Speaking of breakups (but on a more hopeful note), For Better or For Worse creator Lynn Johnston has gotten divorced. Either she decided she no longer needed her husband for inspiration, with her comic strip now finished, or he was simply fed up after years of being used for inspiration. But I have the perfect guy for her: Stuart McLean, host of the CBC’s The Vinyl Cafe, who is also noted for his vaguely humourous stories about an average Canadian family, is only a year her junior, and has also parted ways with his spouse, possibly for similar reasons.

Canadian sitcoms: Speaking of the CBC, now that rival network CTV’s homegrown hit sitcom Corner Gas is off the air, it’s scrambling for a replacement. Considering how well the CBC has done with Little Mosque on the Prairie, CTV might do well to produce its own sitcom about the trials and foibles of Muslims living in Canada. I suggest a humourous look at Taliban fighter Omar Khadr’s attempts to ease back into Canadian society after his (fictional) release from the Guantanamo Bay detention camp, where he’s been held since his capture in 2002 at the young age of 15. It could be called Welcome Back Khadr.

Terminator: Salvation: Michael Cera’s parody of Christian Bale’s tantrum on the set of Terminator: Salvation was so entertaining that I’d actually like to see him play the lead role. Every time I see the commercial, I imagine him stammering, “My name is, uh, John Connor. If you’re listening to this … y’know, you are the resistance … so … yeah. If we stay the course …  um … we’re all d-dead. Probably.”

Hip-hop national anthem: For the same reason that hip-hop karaoke is becoming wildly popular, a national anthem that’s rapped instead of sung just makes sense. People wouldn’t have to have to worry about hitting any high notes, so they can chant along with both ease and enthuasiasm, rather than self-consciously mumbling or simply mouthing the lyrics. Also, whether you’re boasting about the majesty of your purple mountains, the amberness and waviness of your grain, the tightness of your rhymes, or the plump roundness of your women’s asses, nothing beats the braggadocio of hip-hop for the job.

5 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. 1 jtl

    Corner Gas was a CTV production, not CBC (which is why it could be endlessly re-run on the Comedy Network, which is owned by CTV). Either way, I sincerely hope a role for Gabe Kaplan could be found on Welcome Back Khadr — maybe an immigration officer who tells amusing anecdotes?

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    Whoops. I knew that, but somehow wrote it backwards anyway. I’ll fix that.

    The best way to convince Gabe Kaplan to take part, I think, is to work in his real-life love of poker. I say he wins the Guantanamo Bay facility from Fidel Castro in a late-night game of high-stakes Texas Hold ‘Em. Then a dispute arises when the Americans point out that Gitmo is actually US territory. Tempers flare, and in the aftermath, Kaplan and Khadr find themselves floating in a lifeboat, which eventually drifts as far as Cape Breton Island.

  3. 3 Matt

    “Now the story of a human race who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s Terminator: Salvation.”

  4. 4 Peter Lynn

    Come to think of it, if John Connor were played by Michael Cera, Kyle Reese would naturally have to be played by Jason Bateman.

  5. 5 Adrienne

    Oh, Pete — that was a looong way to go for the Khadr joke. Thanks for keeping Barbarino out of it.

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