Miscellaneous improvements


Trixter and/or Trooper concerts: Every single time I see the hard-rock band Trixter in concert, I inevitably shout, “Play ‘Raise a Little Hell’!” To this, the band always graciously explains that they didn’t write that song — Trooper did. “You’re Trooper!” I then insist. Everyone ends up unhappy — me, the rest of the audience, Trixter, and any members of Trooper in attendance. But really, would it kill Trixter to learn how to play “Raise a Little Hell” to gratify me and anyone else who’s expecting to hear it? And as for Trooper, they might as well work on a Trixter cover or two. They can’t ride that “Raise a Little Hell” pony forever.

Job interviews: Cutting a huge fart isn’t the worst thing that can happen in a job interview. For example, spontaneous combustion would be much worse, but on the other hand, don’t assume that the two aren’t related. Anyway, if you’re worried about farting, bring a dog to the interview. That way, if you let one slip, you can just blame it on the dog. If you’re worried about explaining why you brought a dog to the interview, just wear sunglasses. This is doubly good, because you might improve your chances of  getting hired because it fulfills some kind of quota.

Bobby Moynihan sketches: Possibly the worst sketch I’ve seen in a lifetime of watching bad Saturday Night Live sketches is that one where Bobby Moynihan played a waiter who kept complaining about a pepper smell. It was just awful. And I want to see it as a recurring sketch. Make it the cold open, in fact. Except next time, after Moynihan shrieks “It smells like pepper up in here!”, Lorne Michaels should calmly walk out onstage and give him a blast to the face of pepper spray. Then, as Moynihan writhes on the ground in agony, Lorne should, before shouting “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”, motion for a cameraman to get a tight close-up of his red, tear-stained face and continue to broadcast ongoing coverage of Moynihan’s suffering as an inset “picture in picture” during the entirety of the remaining ninety-minute show.

Year One: Making a movie out of the acclaimed Frank Miller comic miniseries Batman: Year One is a fantastic idea, especially after the success of the adaptaion of his 300. But the marketing department really dropped the ball by leaving Batman out of not only the promotional materials for the film, such as the trailer and poster, but also the title itself. Or are Jack Black and Michael Cera supposed to be some kind of Stone Age Batman and Robin? The film studio really needs to fix this oversight and clear up all the confusion entirely.

Scott Oake: CBC sports reporter Scott Oake should really just change his name to “Fuckin’ Scott Oake” because that’s what I inevitably spit in disgust every time I see his jerk face. Fuckin’ Scott Oake.

6 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. 1 Question Mark

    Where does ‘excusing yourself halfway through to go feed the meter’ rank on the list of dumb things to do in a job interview? Since, I’ve done that.

  2. 2 Soapy

    I would hand over a crisp twenty dollar bill to see a Moynihan sketch as described. Of course, I’d expect the stage hands to give him a fresh dusting of pepper every 20 minutes as well.

    And I’d have to agree about that new Year One movie. It’s such a poor interpretation of classic Frank Miller that I thought contemporary Frank Miller wrote it

  3. 3 Grom

    I hope Jack Black at least says: because I’m the goddamn caveman. That would make my day.

  4. 4 Scott

    I ran into Scott Oake at the airport in Toronto once. I didn’t spit anything in disgust mostly because I just thought “Hey, there’s that guy from that broadcast on that network.”

  5. I kind of — kind of — liked that sketch. “Hey, you did not leave a tip” is one of those things I wish I could reference, but no one I know watches SNL anymore. The follow-up definitely sucked, though.

  6. 6 iMiggles

    Your logic about job interviews is impeccable but something tells me seeing eye yorkies are a bit ahead of their time.

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