Miscellaneous improvements


Naming Chinese babies: I think we can all agree on the best way for Chinese people to name their children: throw a box of silverware down the stairs and then listen to the noises it makes. This tinkling of cutlery may evoke warm childhood memories of countless hours spent in a restaurant run by an older relative or family friend, one whose kindness and wisdom had a profound influence over the years upon one of the parents as he or she grew to adulthood, and the parents may pay tribute to this elder by naming their child in his or her honour.

Jigsaw puzzles: Rather than spend all that time and effort painstakingly assembling a larger version of the picture of the front of the box, why not just take a picture of the front of the box with a digital camera, and then take it down to your local print shop and have a large, glossy print made? We have the technology, people. Let’s stop wasting time and start using our heads.

The Toronto Legacy: Last week, a new group announced its bid for a new NHL expansion team, to be called the Toronto Legacy. The plan has been criticized as having been poorly thought-out on many levels, right down to the team’s name. But we can make this work, with a couple of adjustments. While it was considered poorly thought-out at the time, the New York Islanders have actually done surprisingly not-badly by promoting backup goalie Garth Snow to the position of general manager. So let’s do them a step better: Slightly adjust the spelling and pronunciation of the team’s name to the Toronto Legacé, and hire journeyman goalie and Toronto native Manny Legacé as starting goaltender, head coach, and general manager.

Good Will Hunting: Whenever I think of the scene in Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon bangs on the window and shouts “Do you like apples?” at that frat guy, I imagine how much better it would be if his next lines weren’t “Well, I got her number! How do you like them apples?” I’d prefer him to say, “Well, I was wondering if, maybe if you weren’t busy, you might like to come upstate with me this weekend and go apple picking, and maybe we could stay in a nice bed and breakfast. The colours of the leaves are just beautiful in autumn, and I think we could really have a lovely time together.” It’d be a completely different movie, but after Brokeback Mountain, I think we’re ready.

Tank Man: Last week was the twentieth anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre, and I couldn’t figure out why everyone kept talking about Tank Man. With all those students killed, I was amazed that so many chose to focus on an obscure end boss from the old Mega Man video game. And why Tank Man rather than Heat Man, Bubble Man, or Wood Man? Then I was set straight: It turns out Tank Man is actually that guy from the iconic photo where he’s holding up a column of tanks by just standing in front of them. But that got me thinking: It’s also been twenty years since the release of Mega Man 2, the best-selling title in the series and one of the most acclaimed video games ever. So why not include Tank Man as an end boss in the anniversary rerelease? We already know what his power is.

3 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. 1 KD

    I’m starting to think that there are no comments to this post because you finally broke our brains.

  2. 2 Bob

    You think “Toronto Legacy” is a stupid name? Our local Blue Jays’ AA farm team, the New Hampshire Fisher Cats, was originally going to be named the “New Hampshire Primaries”. Complete with the Republican elephant and Democrat donkey as the team logo!

    Thankfully, the local fans let the clueless owners know, in no uncertain terms, just how much that idea sucked, and amazingly, the clueless owners listened.

  3. 3 Lucas

    I remember talking about the “apples” line to a friend of mine after seeing Good Will Hunting. He was impressed at how clever it was: “I woulda just put the number up and said ‘Fuck you!'”

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