The Banter Report


In the car, listening to Michael Jackson: Number Ones.

Michael Jackson: I’m bad! I’m bad! Really, really bad!
My girlfriend: You know, none of us believed it at the time, but he really was bad.
Me: He was a child molester.
My girlfriend: That’s really, really bad. This song was like his confessional.
Michael Jackson: And the whole world has to answer right now, just to tell you once again — who’s bad?
My girlfriend: You are, Michael.

I make up new lyrics to the next track on the Michael Jackson compilation on the spot: The way you make me feel / You really turn me on / You knock me off of my feet / You’re only seven years old.

* * *

At home, in front of the TV news.

Me: Wait — Silvio Berlusconi is having an affair with an 18-year-old? How old is he?
My girlfriend: Gross. He is gross years old.

My respect for septuagenarian Italian president Silvio Berlusconi silently grows.

* * *

At home, again.

Me: My friend asked how you got to be so witty. I said the same way people on TV do: I hired you a team of writers.
My girlfriend: See? I can be your replacement for Toula.
Me: Ugh. Don’t be gross.
My girlfriend: I mean, on the blog. You won’t have any more Toula stories. But you’ll have plenty of Candace stories. [sips wine]
Me: Except your brain damage will be voluntary.

More wine-drinking takes place, eventually resulting in this post.

9 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 tupps

    man finally i get to come on this page my internet’s been all david carradine on me..

    good to be back, top post this is.

    i have never listened to Bad in that light before, hahaha. killer synth bridge though third only to the animal’s house of the rising son and prince’s when doves cry.

    yeah i know you just have to silently respect the guy, 18 year olds, call girls, the list grows. power and influence has never failed to get someone moist. at least one person.

    hope you are well!

  2. 2 Mully

    You jinxed Michael Jackson!!

  3. 3 Joe Red

    I’ll bet you feel bad for making fun of Michael Jackson now! You should be more sensitive in the future, you never know who might die! Michael Jackson was a HERO, something YOU wouldn’t understand! He was taken from us too soon, and you should be more respectful! You should be glad I haven’t reported you!

  4. 4 tupps

    sheesh…and to whom shall this report be forwarded to?

  5. 5 Riley

    I’m sure jinxing is a punishable crime somewhere. Report it there.

  6. 6 Mully

    Lucky, Lynn!! That’s what you are. Someone nearly reported what you said on the internet. To, umm, the Internet Police?…..

  7. 7 Joe Red

    You… you guys do know I was joking, right?

  8. 8 Peter Lynn

    I not only knew but also laughed out loud. Throw in the odd “you son of a bitch!”, and you sounded just like Pat from Achewood.

  9. 9 Scott

    Why? What happened to Michael Jackson?

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