This week in celebrity fistfights

22Jun09

Like many of you, I enjoy a good celebrity fistfight. Happily, the last couple of days have provided a couple of news stories involving celebrities brawling for my amusement.

Today, the news broke that Brian Blair, a former commissioner of Florida’s Hillsborough County, spent Father’s Day in jail after allegedly punching his two sons. Brian Blair is of course also known for punching many other people’s sons as one half of the Killer Bees, a wrestling tag team active during the 1980s in the World Wrestling Federation, where they were fan favorites, not least because of their willingness to generously take time out of their day to field calls from young fans like me willing to drop a dime on the Wrestling Hotline.

Now, I’m as shocked as anyone — save, perhaps, the Iron Sheik, who has carried a long-simmering and inexplicable grudge against him — that my childhood hero B. Brian Blair would abuse his children. But the thing is, I’m not sure that he did.

Just say, for the sake of argument, that Blair put on a mask and then walked into his kitchen. And then let’s say that his former tag-team partner,  “Jumping” Jim Brunzell, came out of the kitchen under an identical mask and beat up Blair’s kids. With the Killer Bees being well-known for this old switcharoo routine, if I were Blair’s defense attorney, this would be the version of events I’d be presenting, and I think it creates enough reasonable doubt here that these charges won’t stick.

In other news, karmic justice apparently asserted itself in hilarious fashion right here in Toronto when celebrity gossip blogger/insipid manchild Perez Hilton was allegedly punched out by Polo Molina, manager of Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am. After receiving a black eye presumably necessitating the application of a bag of frozen peas, an inconsolable Hilton wept, whined, and swore like a crybaby in a video post that made me laugh, laugh, and laugh.

Of course, there are a couple of things about Hilton’s story that don’t add up. For example, Hilton claims that no one ever deserves to be the subject of violence. Yet he is clearly simply getting what he deserves for gaining so much notoriety as a media whore and parasite by incessantly talking smack about celebrities that he himself became a big enough semi-celebrity that he was bound to run into some of his targets at clubs and backstage parties and have to face the consequences of his actions. So he’s wrong there. Obviously Perez Hilton deserves to be punched in the face. Seldom has anyone deserved more to be punched in the face.

But this is obvious. Another thing about Hilton’s story that doesn’t make sense is how will.i.am apparently is able to teleport at will. First, will.i.am was in a nightclub with Hilton. Then Hilton fled the club only to find will.i.am already outside. How can this be? How can will.i.am suddenly appear and reappear all over the place?

Fortunately, it’s easy to explain these oddities in Hilton’s story when you recall that he’s had access to hologram technology since his appearance with Anderson Cooper during CNN’s 2008 presidential election coverage. Obviously, what Hilton actually saw was not will.i.am himself, but merely a projected image of will.i.am, one able to instantanously disappear and reappear in various locations. It also explains why someone else was needed to punch out Hilton on will.i.am’s behalf, since this would be impossible for an intangible hologram to accomplish.



9 Responses to “This week in celebrity fistfights”

  1. 1 Grom

    Damn, Perez looks like a eunuch.

  2. 2 Mully

    I can’t imagine there’s a shortage of people willing to punch Perez Hilton in the face on behalf of hologram will.i.am.
    And that video made me laugh and laugh and laugh too. Good times.

  3. The video is hilarious! Well, he got hit in the face, so what? It’s not that he lives his life trying to avoid people from being annoyed at him! The second funny thing is that the selection of comments about that post are all supportive of his whining, censorship in his own website, geez.

  4. 4 rupertdogstein

    “Will.i.am… followed US… TO the hotel… where THEY were also STAYING!”

    “I TOOK to twitter… because I was in SHOCK and I felt helpless!”

    It’s really tempting to quote the good parts and then you just quote most of the video.

  5. This could only have been better if the holographic version of Will.i.am has done some taunting.

    “But, but, Will.i.am, how can you be here when I just saw you in there?”
    “Ha ha, you clearly saw my duplicate, Will.i.aren’t!”
    *punches*

  6. 6 Peter Lynn

    @ rupertdogstein: I meant to mention that, but that first part really stuck out at me: “Will.i.am… followed US… TO the hotel… where THEY were also STAYING!” So, uh, he just went home? How threatening.

    @ Question Mark: Now that you mention it, holo.will could have really taken the opportunity to antagonize Hilton like some villain taunting a movie hero in a hall of mirrors, appearing and reappearing all over the place while Hilton swung at his intangible images in a futile attempt to connect. “Am I here, Perez? Or am I here? Or am I over here? [maniacal cackle]

  7. 7 Riley

    It’s hard to believe that Perez has gone 5 years without being punched in the face. I can only imagine that it’s because all would be face-punchers were under the impression that he must have his face punched all the time (since he’s Perez Hilton and all) and thus take pity on him.

    Hopefully, punching him in the face becomes the new celebrity fad, like Kabala.

  8. 8 Charmed

    Perez thought nothing of destroying an Ohio woman’s life when she was only trying to defend Jennifer Anniston from his verbally abusive attacks! He published the woman’s work e-mail address and got her fired! She was a single mom with two kids!The inside scoop on that story is that he antogonized her prior to publishing the comments she sent him!Then he did everything in his power to harm Carrie Prejean! He has done many viscious things to hurt people! The bad thing is that he could have been a positive role model for young gay people but instead he choose to be a fricktard!

  9. 9 mully

    I cannot stop watching that video…..


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