Millions mourn death of child molester
Michael Jackson gets enough, stops: Boogie blamed
Man, the media goes crazy whenever a young white woman dies under mysterious circumstances.
Michael Jackson died last night, his cause of death tentatively reported as cardiac arrest, to the despair of millions. Certainly they mourn his loss, but perhaps the greater disappointment is that it seems merely to have been heart failure. Wacko Jacko deserved to go out as weird as he lived.
That said, he’d long ago crossed over into what sportswriter Bill Simmons calls the Tyson Zone, where literally nothing you could have heard about him would have surprised you. Botched plastic surgery would have been the least eyebrow-raising cause of death, for example, even if the details were to leak that he was having tentacles attached to his face to make him resemble a mind flayer. If David Carradine hadn’t recently beaten him to the punch, autoerotic asphyxiation would have been the perfect way for him to go out, with its whiff of perversion, loneliness, and possible suicide. If he’d died in a treehouse collapse or been mauled by a tiger, it’d be easy to believe he’d put himself in a situation for that to happen. Even if it had been spontaneous combustion, you’d just think, Well, he had a history of that.
Of course, another possible cause of death may be having worked with Paul McCartney, who, after the deaths of John Lennon, Linda McCartney, and Jackson, has outlived just about all of his songwriting partners. Stevie Wonder had better watch himself — figuratively speaking, at least.
The upside of Jackson’s death — besides the prospect of family spokesman Jermaine Jackson trying to hog the limelight at the post-mortem press conference by dismissing all Michael-related questions as “not germane to the discussion” — is that we get to see all the crazy stuff in the will. Dollars to donuts, he has himself buried in a pyramid like an Egyptian pharaoh. It may even be the one from the “Remember the Time” video, in which case his will might decree that Eddie Murphy and Magic Johnson be killed and buried alongside him. Or his body might end up on display at a pilgrimage site like Lenin’s tomb, where millions may crowd around his glass casket to marvel at his miraculous lack of decomposition — which shouldn’t be surprising since he basically became his own Madame Tussaud’s wax effigy about ten years ago. On the other hand, his finances were in terrible shape. It’d be hilarious if the living relatives of Joseph Merrick, the so-called Elephant Man, bought Jacko’s skeleton and put it on display.
But whatever happens, the fact remains that the King of Pop is dead and — barring some kind of zombie resurrection, which we can’t rule out because Lord knows we’ve seen Zombie Michael Jackson before — gone. And so, according to the rules of succession, congratulations are due to Michael Jackson’s son Prince Michael on his accession to the throne. All hail the new King Michael!
And better luck next time, Prince Michael II! Of course, this saves Jackson’s younger son from the headaches of trying to decide what to call the heirs to his royal line; might Jackson’s grandson have been called Prince Michael II II? Prince Michael II Jr? Prince Michael III? Blanket Jr? It’s impossible to decide.
And it’s also a tough break for Justin Timberlake, who had been speculated to be positioning himself to become the new King of Pop. Of course, just as Michael Jackson consolidated his own position by marrying Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of the King of Rock and Roll, Timberlake may now seek to strengthen his own claim by marrying Jackson’s daughter, Paris.
But this is for the rock royalty to work out. Meanwhile, the masses are reeling from the shock of Jackson’s death, which is already being compared to the untimely passing of icons such as Elvis and Princess Diana. It’s hard to dispute, however, that Diana’s death, at least, was more shocking, if only because she was still young and beautiful, and people still wanted to bone her. Some people still had to bone Michael Jackson, to be certain, but they were just kids.
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