Millions mourn death of child molester

26Jun09

Michael Jackson gets enough, stops: Boogie blamed

michael-jackson-bad-4175021Man, the media goes crazy whenever a young white woman dies under mysterious circumstances.

Michael Jackson died last night, his cause of death tentatively reported as cardiac arrest, to the despair of millions. Certainly they mourn his loss, but perhaps the greater disappointment is that it seems merely to have been heart failure. Wacko Jacko deserved to go out as weird as he lived.

That said, he’d long ago crossed over into what sportswriter Bill Simmons calls the Tyson Zone, where literally nothing you could have heard about him would have surprised you. Botched plastic surgery would have been the least eyebrow-raising cause of death, for example, even if the details were to leak that he was having tentacles attached to his face to make him resemble a mind flayer. If David Carradine hadn’t recently beaten him to the punch, autoerotic asphyxiation would have been the perfect way for him to go out, with its whiff of perversion, loneliness, and possible suicide. If he’d died in a treehouse collapse or been mauled by a tiger, it’d be easy to believe he’d put himself in a situation for that to happen. Even if it had been spontaneous combustion, you’d just think, Well, he had a history of that.

Of course, another possible cause of death may be having worked with Paul McCartney, who, after the deaths of John Lennon, Linda McCartney, and Jackson, has outlived just about all of his songwriting partners. Stevie Wonder had better watch himself — figuratively speaking, at least.

The upside of Jackson’s death — besides the prospect of family spokesman Jermaine Jackson trying to hog the limelight at the post-mortem press conference by dismissing all Michael-related questions as “not germane to the discussion” — is that we get to see all the crazy stuff in the will. Dollars to donuts, he has himself buried in a pyramid like an Egyptian pharaoh. It may even be the one from the “Remember the Time” video, in which case his will might decree that Eddie Murphy and Magic Johnson be killed and buried alongside him. Or his body might end up on display at a pilgrimage site like Lenin’s tomb, where millions may crowd around his glass casket to marvel at his miraculous lack of decomposition — which shouldn’t be surprising since he basically became his own Madame Tussaud’s wax effigy about ten years ago. On the other hand, his finances were in terrible shape. It’d be hilarious if the living relatives of Joseph Merrick, the so-called Elephant Man, bought Jacko’s skeleton and put it on display.

But whatever happens, the fact remains that the King of Pop is dead and — barring some kind of zombie resurrection, which we can’t rule out because Lord knows we’ve seen Zombie Michael Jackson before — gone. And so, according to the rules of succession, congratulations are due to Michael Jackson’s son Prince Michael on his accession to the throne. All hail the new King Michael! 

And better luck next time, Prince Michael II! Of course, this saves Jackson’s younger son from the headaches of trying to decide what to call the heirs to his royal line; might Jackson’s grandson have been called Prince Michael II II? Prince Michael II Jr? Prince Michael III? Blanket Jr? It’s impossible to decide.

And it’s also a tough break for Justin Timberlake, who had been speculated to be positioning himself to become the new King of Pop. Of course, just as Michael Jackson consolidated his own position by marrying Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of the King of Rock and Roll, Timberlake may now seek to strengthen his own claim by marrying Jackson’s daughter, Paris.

But this is for the rock royalty to work out. Meanwhile, the masses are reeling from the shock of Jackson’s death, which is already being compared to the untimely passing of icons such as Elvis and Princess Diana. It’s hard to dispute, however, that Diana’s death, at least, was more shocking, if only because she was still young and beautiful, and people still wanted to bone her. Some people still had to bone Michael Jackson, to be certain, but they were just kids.



29 Responses to “Millions mourn death of child molester”

  1. 1 tupps

    Stevie Wonder had better watch himself — figuratively speaking, at least.

    “…hog the limelight at the post-mortem press conference by dismissing all Michael-related questions as “not germane to the discussion” (Brilliant wordplay)

    “…in which case his will might decree that Eddie Murphy and Magic Johnson be killed and buried alongside him.”

    It’d be hilarious if the living relatives of Joseph Merrick, the so-called Elephant Man, bought Jacko’s skeleton and put it on display.

    Hey Peter, I can definitely appreciate the comedy in death, man. Your painstaking, side-spllittingly hilarious and biting write up is nowhere near as callous and tasteless as the recent crop of jokes which erupted at Jackson’s expense all over the internet. It doesn’t cheapen the circumstances at all.

    He might not have been the most dignified artist but I’ll choose to remember the juggernaut talent which he wielded with such an alarming ease.

    Great write-up Peter!

  2. 2 rupertdogstein

    I can’t tell if Tupps is being sarcastic or not. I don’t believe there’s such a thing as inappropriate jokes. The only bad joke is one that’s not funny.

    Having said that, Michael Jackson sure was funny looking and a child molester, huh guys?

  3. 3 tupps

    Ahh…the drawbacks of seemingly “emotionless”, typed-out opinions become apparent already, i wasn’t being sarcastic at all ehh rupert. Peter really did write some funny lines in his post, and of course there’s no such thing as an inappropriate joke. Just read his post on Michael Richards for a preview.

    if these jokes were in fact appropriate, i would’ve emulated a fellow reader and duly threatened to report Peter already, as evidenced by his previous Banter Report.

    I like how tough I am behind a keyboard. Haha.

    P.S. that germane joke is still a gold mine. i’ve been reading it again and again in my head.

  4. When M.J. died, i could only think of Farrah Fawcett, getting Di’d. As in the reference in your reference about Princess Diana, dying on the same weekend as Mother Theresa.
    What I remember most is when she opened a respite care centre for AIDS patients in N.Y. city and it was luxuriously outfitted by corporate donations, she had everything removed so “Those Fags” could suffer for thier sins. She was also sure to have her picture taken on any visits to the ” less fortunate”.
    I just pictured the santimonious old crone on her deathbed imagining the outpouring of grief at her passing, her carefully crated image of saintliness carrying on after she left this mortal coil. Then that bitch Diana croaked and stole the spotlight.
    Poor Farrah. Good woman, good actress, nice person, should be a few kind words spoken upon her death. Bit, NOOOoooooOOOO.
    Somebody more famous died. Farrah Who?
    Then there’s Joe Jackson , Dad of Dead, at the latest awards show, seeing a payday in his son’s death. It was always about the money.Maybe if he had been a Father instead of a manager, M.J. would have been an entertainer instead of a diddling freakazoid.

  5. Never under estimate the Zombies.NEVER !

  6. 6 ace

    May Michael Jackson rest in peace despite some of the negative things said about him.

  7. 7 klaatu

    A rememberance of Micheal Jackson that just doesn’t sound right.
    ” he touched a lot of people, especially the children, in special ways.”

  8. 8 Tom

    The two people I am really happy to see dead…the child molester and my ex boss, Susan M.

    • 9 Irene

      WAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?! Wow! You’re happy Michael Jackson is dead! He was an amazing person and did so many things to try to help our world and to help horrible people like you become better! How the fuck can you say he is a child molester! Do you have any proof? Exactly, you don’t! May him and your boss rest in peace and may you burn and rot in hell.

  9. 10 Carelesslove46

    You are just a vile specimen..Michael Jackson was no child molester..The only ‘freak’ that I can see is you..It’s because of people like you that he’s dead..Driven to an early grave. But rest easy..There is a special place reserved in hell for you my friend..You and all those like you.

  10. 12 Scott

    “There is a special place reserved in hell for you my friend..You and all those like you.”

    What People Are Saying about Peter Lynn!

  11. 13 Scott

    I see that it’s already in there. I just assumed it would be with the collection of other comments that told you that you were going to hell.

  12. 14 Peter Lynn

    Good point! I’ll move it.

  13. 15 Peter Lynn

    It is because of people like me that he’s dead. I don’t know what I was thinking, prescribing him that overdose of Propofol.

  14. 16 Scott

    This is your most profound effect on the record industry since the time you force fed Elvis that peanut butter and toilet sandwich.

    • 17 Mully

      Not to mention that time that he crashed the plane with Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper on board.

      And of course, when he gave Freddy Mercury AIDS.

      I think what amuses me the most is that Carelesslove46 has probably been trolling the internet since MJ died, having a whine at people.

      Good work Carelesslove46 (may I call you Care?); you’re already up to the letter “M” in your crusade.

  15. 18 AllForLove

    Carelesslove46 Let them,they do not know any better, no even more so,they do not even WANT to know any better,this is a section for the depraved only,so do not even spill one more word on them, you are doing them a favor only as they roll over in it like pigs in the dirt,they even eat it,and they love this grub,no need for you to hand them over more food
    now my friend.They´re not worth it,it´s no use. They are the blinds that proclaim those who can see blind,the deaf that proclaim those who do hear deaf,the good as wrong,they rejoice in other people´s death as their master satan does,and ohw how they love to obey him!! When he whistles,they wag their tails sitting upright for him and feeling great about it,for they ar IT,the cream of the crop,they think,they assume….. Let us use our common senses and heart with our assignments from the One True Lord Jesus Christ,and just not lower ourselfs to their level really,but rise above it,praying even for our enemies,Michael Jackson did! Believe me they do not have the last word,Jesus has it as you know.Rest in that my friend.Give it all to Jesus,He will deal with them.Let´s hope they are going to see the Light,even more WILLING to see it,if not it is their own choice and they have only themself to blame for it! We are not the ones to be taken pity on,neither is Michael,for he is savely Home with Our Lord,believe me he IS my friend,the Lord has let me know so,and many others in this earth. No, take pity on them here,for they need it Big Time! It may seem too hard for you to do so,but it isn´t if you know Jesus and His Words and Teachings,He will help you all the way,His Way,the only right One….than you also know what lies ahead of you and for you my friend. Jesus is on the brink of His returning to this earth to come for us and reunite us with him and all our Lovedones,the death and the living,also our beloved brother Michael,so Rejoice!!! It´s all under His control,and in His Hands,let´s just leave it there friend,Rejoice!!! It Won´t Be Long….

  16. 19 Candace

    That was awesome!

  17. 20 Scott

    That was very awesome.

  18. 21 Mully

    I third the awesome comment. In fact I raise it to “super awesome”

    It just saddens me that it took AllForLove three months to write that.

  19. 22 AllForLove

    @Mully

    No need to be saddened,after all there is this saying,which is so true;

    Better Late,Then Never!

  20. 23 NON-OF YOURBISSINESS!!!

    WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD ANY BODY SUCH AS YOUR SELF RUIN THE ALBUM TITLE ”BAD” AND CHANGEM IT TO DEAD. YOU APPERENTLY HAVE KIND OF RESPECT FOR THE DECEASED. ONLY BITCH ASS PUNCKS WRITE HATEFULL THINGS ABOUT LOVED PEOPLE…AND MICHAEL JACKSON JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE A LOVED ONE…SO WHAT DEOS THAT MAKE YOU!!!!

  21. 24 michael-lover

    what the fuck is wrong with u??? it doesnt make any kind of sense for u to say some shit like that. its funny that u dont even know all the information on anything that happened, so who are you to call someone a child molester??? unless he molested you or u saw him molest someone with your own eyes, U CANT SAY SHIT. all u are is some attention wanting bitch that needs to calm the fuck down. u are one disrespectful piece of shit. thats all i have to say to ur iffy ass.

  22. 25 Peter Lynn

    “Michael-lover”, you write like you’re twelve years old. Of course, with that name, you probably would have to be.

    As for what’s wrong with me, I thought it was clear that I’m a bitch ass punck with kind of respect for deceased loved people.

  23. 26 Mully

    This post just keeps on giving.

    Unintentional humour is the funniest.

  24. 27 Scott

    Did he molest YOU, Peter? DID HE?!?!?

  25. 28 Peter Lynn

    It does keep on giving. It’s starting to close in on Why I Hate Mike Love as my longest comment thread.

    And Scott, Michael Jackson didn’t molest me, but I did, with my own eyes see him and Mike Love molest each other repeatedly.

  26. 29 Alix

    I may be kind of young to be debating, but I think that people who are Michael Jackson haters are just jealous… He was the king of pop, so I think you should just be happy about how far he got in life. Being one of the most famous people to ever walk the earth is hard work…


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