Miscellaneous improvements


Jukebox musicals: My girlfriend thinks Michael Jackson missed a huge opportunity in not adapting his own greatest hits for a Mamma Mia!-style jukebox musical. Not only are the songs already there, but so is the choreography. I think it’s still a great idea for someone to pick up this ball and run with it. (I’d like to see Liza Minnelli in the role of the King of Pop.) My storyline idea is that it would be kind of a musical version of Scarface, chronicling Jacko’s meteoric rise to the top of gangland and his subsequent fall. Start with his initial efforts to stop the violence, as seen in “Beat It”. Then comes “Bad”, in which we see Michael decide that if he can’t beat ’em, he’ll not only join ’em but in fact lead ’em. At the time of “Smooth Criminal”, we see him at the head of his underworld empire. And finally comes “Thriller”, in which Jacko, having previously been cut down in a cocaine-fueled gun battle with police, rises from the dead at the head of a zombie gang.

Strikebreaking: Toronto city employees are approaching the fourth week of a strike that has seen garbage collection in the city halted. With the two sides far apart from reaching a resolution, temporary dump sites have been set up in public parks, leading nearby residents to complain about vermin infestation and the overpowering stench. Now, I’m not anti-union. I liked those Mermaid Avenue albums as well as anyone. But if I were Mayor David Miller, I’d do well to remember that parks aren’t the only public land run by the city. For example, the city also owns that little strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street in front of your house. More importantly, the city owns that little strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street in front of the striking employees’ houses. Designate those areas as public dump sites, and they might suddenly be more willing to deal.

Professional wrestling valets: The recent news that TNA Wrestling is launching a worldwide talent search for Kevin Nash’s first-ever female valet raises a question about professional-wrestling valets in general: Why aren’t they parking the wrestlers’ cars like they’re supposed to? Why does Kevin Nash have to park his own rented Nissan Altima like a sucker? It’s because of small but time-consuming headaches like finding parking around a jam-packed arena that wrestlers are constantly seen literally arriving in the middle of the television broadcast, so it’s time for valets such as Sunny, Missy Hyatt, and Baby Doll to do their jobs instead of just parading around like a bunch of eye candy.

Dealing with Rogers Cable: My recent dealings with Rogers Cable have led me to  conclude that the company is so plagued by gross incompetence at every level of the organization that it’s no wonder that even the baseball team it owns can scarcely put together a winning season. (That said, I’d like to give a shout-out to Mirco to the free Blue Jays tickets later this month. Thanks, Mirco!) After spending untold hours on the line with unhelpful Rogers Cable employees with very unsatisfactory results, I’m getting closer to playing the ultimate trump card and demanding, “Put Roger on the phone. I want to talk to Roger.”

Fatherhood: With due respect to Paris Jackson, her claim that her father was “the best father you could ever imagine” is demonstrably incorrect. Statistically speaking, Walter Gretzky is the best father ever, and it isn’t even close. He’s so far ahead in every conceivable statistical category that he’d still come in first even if he’d never received a single Father’s Day necktie, and he’s been awarded more #1 Dad coffee mugs than Mario Lemieux’s and Gordie Howe’s fathers combined. Simply put, Walter Gretzky is the Wayne Gretzky of fathers.

7 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. Regarding the Fatherhood bit: I saw the path you were leading me down, but that didn’t keep me from laughing as hard as I did.

  2. 2 Kitty

    I guess I’m not Canadian enough/know enough about hockey to get the Wayne Gretzky gag.

    But you’re too late on the MJ musical thing. ‘Thriller Live’ has been playing on the West End here in London for a while now. http://www.thrillerlive.com/

  3. Kitty : With luck, one day you may be more Canadian. But I’m crushed to find out about Thriller Live. Still, I think our idea is better. It’s the only musical in which Michael Jackson could be played by Al Pacino. (I’d hate to be that director, though: “The line is ‘shamon,’ Mr. Pacino, not ‘hooah!’ Let’s try it again from the top.”)

  4. 4 Stocc

    Was that Jibba Jabba Altima put in there for me?

  5. It was! And for Ahmed Johnson too, of course.

  6. Rogers will be more than happy to let you speak with Roger. Ted Rogers that is. He is dead. Dead I tell you. He no longer is . He’s ceased to be. ( He’s not ” Just sleeping”. )
    However to speak with Ted the dead Rogers, you will be required to pay the long distance fees and roaming charges to the afterlife.
    If you think they are difficult to deal with now, just wait until you try to dispute the charges for time beyond space.

    I always thought the union halls and offices would make a good dump site.

    I would go see your Michael Jackson broadway show. Who doesn’t love Zombies?
    ” NnnooooBody ! ”

    Two words : Midget Valets

  7. 7 tupps

    Al Pacino as Michael Jackson? Man I don’t usually rush out to the local cineplex to watch the latest movies but if that happens, i’ll be one of those people who line up at the ticketing box from midnight onwards. I’m with you, I always thought hoo-aahhh would be a better vocal inflection than chamon. Seeing serpico abuse his own crotch on stage would be an added bonus.

    Yes! finally someone’s gone to the board to draw up the actual work-related responsibilities of a wrestling valet. Too long have these floozies paraded around showcasing their horrible boob jobs and waxing come ons to the hardworking men of the wrestling industry. Pitch it to Vince McMahon ehh Peter.

    “Simply put, Walter Gretzky is the Wayne Gretzky of fathers.” – For this entire week i’m ending every conversation I have with this anecdote.

    Thanks man.

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