The Banter Report


In bed at home, reading.

My girlfriend: What’s “augur” mean?
Me: Kind of like “predict”, or kind of like “foreshadow”.
My girlfriend: You’re smart. I wish I was smart.
Me: You wish you were smart.

Girlfriend, now in bad mood rather than subjunctive one, knocks book out of my hand. “You’re a dick!” she shouts. “Don’t you Banter Report that!”

* * *

In bed, watching fourth-season finale of The Sopranos, in which Tony attempts to back out of purchasing a beach house by parking his boat in front of the seller’s house and blasting Dean Martin songs.

Me: Well, it could certainly be worse than Dean Martin.
Half-asleep girlfriend: It could be that thing you were listening that time.
Me: What thing?
Half-asleep girlfriend: You know — that thing.
Me: I don’t know.
Half-asleep girlfriend: You’re pissing me off.
Me: I want you to get this.
Half-asleep girlfriend: You know … Dr. Monster and the Shit Kings.
Me: What?
Half-asleep girlfriend: Tuna. Something about fish.
Me: Oh. Captain Beefheart? Trout Mask Replica?
Half-asleep girlfriend: Yes.

I spring out of bed, headed for computer. “Don’t you Banter Report this!” my girlfriend shouts. Meanwhile, I type note to self: Start band called Dr. Monster and the Shit Kings.

* * *

At home

My girlfriend: My grandparents still use the word “queer” to mean “strange”.
Me: That is totally gay.

“Don’t Banter Report my grandparents!”

11 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 Keith

    Best Banter Report ever.

  2. 2 Marlene

    Poor Candace; life must be hard living with an ass.

  3. 3 Marlene

    Careful Marlene! We might get Banter Reported when they visit!


  4. 4 Scott

    Dammit! Stop using my email address to post things!

  5. 5 thea

    this is the best one yet.

  6. 6 jt

    I love Beefheart, but TMR is practically unlistenable.

    …actually, I think I like the *idea* of Captain Beefheart more than I enjoy listening to his music. Same goes for Bjork.

  7. 7 Matt

    Also, if it helps, I know a couple of dozen bands whose name might as well be the Shit Kings. Is that the same thing?

  8. 8 KD

    Peter, If you were smart, you’d realize that it doesn’t auger well for your relationship to keep pissing off Candance like that. You’re so queer.

  9. 9 hilly

    Wait, an “auger” is a screw, like a drill bit. Still, maybe it could be said that Peter doesn’t want to auger anything up with Candace? M-maybe?

  10. 10 Tasha

    Brilliant! These reports make me laugh out loud every time.

  11. Best. Banter Report. Ever.

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