The Banter Report


In the backyard at my girlfriend’s parents’ house

My girlfriend: Stop playing with my father’s gun! You’re going to hurt yourself!
Me: Don’t be ridiculous — I can’t possibly hurt myself doing this. [pricking thumb on rifle’s sight] Ow! Fine. [puts down rifle]
My girlfriend: Thanks for the anxiety attack.
Me: That’s a stupid thing to be anxious about. Your feelings are stupid. There — do you feel better?
My girlfriend: I guess so.

“This is a good idea,” I later say as my girlfriend’s brother and I cut down a wasp’s nest and throw it on a bonfire, followed by a barbecue lighter.

* * *

At a local Mexican restaurant, listening to a mariachi band.

Female friend: I feel like I’m in Tijuana!
Me: Except this time you’re not fucking a donkey in front of a crowd for money!

A big laugh from the table, and no denial from my friend. I then go on a tangent about how an  absent friend recently began a herbal cleanse ostensibly for weight-loss purposes but in actuality because she actually wants diarrhea in order to better enjoy the honeymoon period with the German man she recently began dating.

* * *

The park

Me: Holy cow, that girl is swinging really high.
My girlfriend: Stop staring at the little girls. You’re going to get a bad reputation in the neighborhood.
Me: Hey, I do my part for the community! I registered as a sex offender!

We speculate about what might be on the actual registration form for sex offenders. (“Number of creepy, windowless vans … One.”) Then, while passing through another park on the way home, I see a small boy on the other side of a chain link fence urinating on a bush, heedless of the pedestrians passing by behind him, and I gasp in horror at seeing his little uncircumcised penis.

3 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. We are all amazed you still have a girlfriend.Please ask your girlfriend if she is amazed as well.

  2. 2 Elizabeth

    I love the Banter Report! Just the thing for a Sunday morning laugh.

  3. Your second outcome is possibly one of the best out of all your Banter Reports.

    ostensibly huh?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: