The Banter Report


In Canadian Tire, at the discount DVD bin.

Me: Whoa! Check out the name of this one: Monsters Gone Wild!
Girlfriend: Oh, is that the one where Joe Francis gets Godzilla and Mothra to flash their tits?
Me: … yeah.
Girlfriend: Sorry — did I steal your joke?
Me: Yeah.

Seconds later, my disappointment is forgotten when I spot a martial arts film called Angry Dragon, which I speculate to be about Shaolin masters who force people fellating them to ejaculate semen out of their noses.

* * *

At a friend’s cottage, which is full of people who work in television.

Girl who works in TV: There are only seven basic plots. Every story ever made is just a version of one of these archetypes.
: Right! Aristotle said that.
Girl who works in TV: Let’s see: Man versus Man … Man versus Nature … Man versus Himself …
My girlfriend: Dog versus Basketball. Air Bud.

After I ask how MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate, the movie my friend Elan wrote about a skateboarding chimpanzee, fits into this theory, she redefines the archetype as “Animal versus Sports”. Much later, I find out I was completely wrong about Aristotle, who was talking about something else entirely.

* * *

At home, taking care of girlfriend, who has accidentally gotten drunk after drinking two glasses of wine on an empty stomach and is now lying on the bathroom floor.

Me: What do you want on your toast?
Drunk girlfriend: Butter.
Me: Okay.
Drunk girlfriend: Wait. First of all, I love you. Second of all, a lot. Banter Report — go tell the people now.

Drunk girlfriend throws up three times.

3 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. When you invite people over to watch movies, are they unable to make it because they are busy that night?

  2. From a post many, many eons ago, I have just had more exceptional wine.
    When you are drinking a vintage, you are drinking the earth, the soil, the sun , the rain, the temperature.( terroir)-(No, Dick Cheney , not terror.) This wine will taste different from year to year, from vineyard to vineyard.
    If you are drinking a wine that tastes the same regardless.( Hello Fuzion) then you are drinking the laboratory.. There is fermentation and sugar and flavours added to ensure a consistent taste, like a Big Mac.
    And yes, at the risk of being a snob, when you have something better, the lesser product has it’s flaws magnified. Drive a Porche , then a Pontiac. Shop at Hollt Renfrew, then Wal-Mart.Drink a 2004 Inniskillen Founders Reserve Chardonnay, then a bottle of Fuzion.
    While I may come off as a pompous ass, my point is not that something is bad, but that there is always something better,usually at a price point that is affordable.
    As with anything, educate yourself and do research, rather than settle for what is popular.
    Do I know anything about wine? Nope. I read the wine column in the Sat. Star. Gord on Grapes is the column. I have never had a bad recommendation yet.From his suggestions, I have learned what I like and do not like , it is his education that has taught me how to select wines that are exceptional and affordable.

  3. 3 Elizabeth

    The seven plots concept was an exam question in our publishing course. I still can’t remember them all, though.

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