The Banter Report
In Canadian Tire, at the discount DVD bin.
Me: Whoa! Check out the name of this one: Monsters Gone Wild!
Girlfriend: Oh, is that the one where Joe Francis gets Godzilla and Mothra to flash their tits?
Me: … yeah.
Girlfriend: Sorry — did I steal your joke?
Seconds later, my disappointment is forgotten when I spot a martial arts film called Angry Dragon, which I speculate to be about Shaolin masters who force people fellating them to ejaculate semen out of their noses.
* * *
At a friend’s cottage, which is full of people who work in television.
Girl who works in TV: There are only seven basic plots. Every story ever made is just a version of one of these archetypes.
Me: Right! Aristotle said that.
Girl who works in TV: Let’s see: Man versus Man … Man versus Nature … Man versus Himself …
My girlfriend: Dog versus Basketball. Air Bud.
After I ask how MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate, the movie my friend Elan wrote about a skateboarding chimpanzee, fits into this theory, she redefines the archetype as “Animal versus Sports”. Much later, I find out I was completely wrong about Aristotle, who was talking about something else entirely.
* * *
At home, taking care of girlfriend, who has accidentally gotten drunk after drinking two glasses of wine on an empty stomach and is now lying on the bathroom floor.
Me: What do you want on your toast?
Drunk girlfriend: Butter.
Drunk girlfriend: Wait. First of all, I love you. Second of all, a lot. Banter Report — go tell the people now.
Drunk girlfriend throws up three times.
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