The Banter Report

28Aug09

Location
In Canadian Tire, at the discount DVD bin.

Banter
Me: Whoa! Check out the name of this one: Monsters Gone Wild!
Girlfriend: Oh, is that the one where Joe Francis gets Godzilla and Mothra to flash their tits?
Me: … yeah.
Girlfriend: Sorry — did I steal your joke?
Me: Yeah.

Outcome
Seconds later, my disappointment is forgotten when I spot a martial arts film called Angry Dragon, which I speculate to be about Shaolin masters who force people fellating them to ejaculate semen out of their noses.

* * *

Location
At a friend’s cottage, which is full of people who work in television.

Banter
Girl who works in TV: There are only seven basic plots. Every story ever made is just a version of one of these archetypes.
Me
: Right! Aristotle said that.
Girl who works in TV: Let’s see: Man versus Man … Man versus Nature … Man versus Himself …
My girlfriend: Dog versus Basketball. Air Bud.

Outcome
After I ask how MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate, the movie my friend Elan wrote about a skateboarding chimpanzee, fits into this theory, she redefines the archetype as “Animal versus Sports”. Much later, I find out I was completely wrong about Aristotle, who was talking about something else entirely.

* * *

Location
At home, taking care of girlfriend, who has accidentally gotten drunk after drinking two glasses of wine on an empty stomach and is now lying on the bathroom floor.

Banter
Me: What do you want on your toast?
Drunk girlfriend: Butter.
Me: Okay.
Drunk girlfriend: Wait. First of all, I love you. Second of all, a lot. Banter Report — go tell the people now.

Outcome
Drunk girlfriend throws up three times.



3 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. When you invite people over to watch movies, are they unable to make it because they are busy that night?

  2. From a post many, many eons ago, I have just had more exceptional wine.
    When you are drinking a vintage, you are drinking the earth, the soil, the sun , the rain, the temperature.( terroir)-(No, Dick Cheney , not terror.) This wine will taste different from year to year, from vineyard to vineyard.
    If you are drinking a wine that tastes the same regardless.( Hello Fuzion) then you are drinking the laboratory.. There is fermentation and sugar and flavours added to ensure a consistent taste, like a Big Mac.
    And yes, at the risk of being a snob, when you have something better, the lesser product has it’s flaws magnified. Drive a Porche , then a Pontiac. Shop at Hollt Renfrew, then Wal-Mart.Drink a 2004 Inniskillen Founders Reserve Chardonnay, then a bottle of Fuzion.
    While I may come off as a pompous ass, my point is not that something is bad, but that there is always something better,usually at a price point that is affordable.
    As with anything, educate yourself and do research, rather than settle for what is popular.
    Do I know anything about wine? Nope. I read the wine column in the Sat. Star. Gord on Grapes is the column. I have never had a bad recommendation yet.From his suggestions, I have learned what I like and do not like , it is his education that has taught me how to select wines that are exceptional and affordable.

  3. 3 Elizabeth

    The seven plots concept was an exam question in our publishing course. I still can’t remember them all, though.


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