The Banter Report


At the Toronto Blue Jays game, after the umpire has been beaned by a baseball and knocked out.

Little girl behind us: Is the vampire okay?
Little girl’s sister: He’s not the vampire. He’s the emperor.
Little girl: Oh. [clapping hands] Let’s go, Bluebirds!

The vampire regains his feet and leaves the field under his own power, to the applause of the crowd. Another emperor replaces him to preside over a thrilling come-from-behind Bluebirds victory.

* * *

Toronto—Danforth, home riding of NDP national leader Jack Layton.

Girlfriend: Who was that at the door?
Me: Someone canvassing for the Green Party, asking if we’d consider voting for their candidate.
Girlfriend: Did you tell him we were conservatives and get rid of him?
Me: No, I said that the good news was that we were socialists. The bad news was that we were National Socialists.

Predicted outcome
Neither the Green candidate nor the National Socialist candidate will score an upset victory over the incumbent Jack Layton in the upcoming election.

* * *

At home, watching the Toronto Maple Leafs rookie tournament while my bored girlfriend reads her laptop.

Me: If the game gets boring, we can play “How many Maple Leafs rookies have two first names?”  I’ll start: Joe Ryan … Todd Perry … Greg Scott …
My girlfriend: The game is always boring to me, and when I try to pay attention to something else, you won’t stop talking.
Me: … Dale Mitchell … honorable mention to Alex Berry … I think “Juraj Mikus” translates to “George Nicholas” in Slovakian …
My girlfriend: [death glare]

The Maple Leafs lose 7–1 as my girlfriend faces the prospect of another long hockey season with Peter Lynn.

6 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 Candace

    Your poor girlfriend.

  2. 2 Scott

    My girlfriend and I ordered NHL Center Ice and will watch it together all season long.


  3. 3 Grom

    I don’t have a girlfriend.


    oh wait

  4. 4 Marlene

    Your girlfriend?! I thought you were going to be watching with me!

  5. 5 rupertdogstein

    I love banter report but I’m counting on you to discuss MTV’s introduction of WWE style drama to their award shows. As far as villains go I think they could find someone better than Kanye West. For example, instead of just interrupting Taylor Swift, Chris Brown would have hit her with a folding chair.

  6. 6 Peter Lynn

    It’s a good comparison: WWE wrestlers do tend to just interrupt each other during interviews, to the extent that one should expect it. But the difference is that no wrestler in history has ever been presented an award without the trophy being literally broken over someone’s head in a vicious attack. If Kanye had really wanted to do it pro-wrestling style, he’d have offered Taylor Swift a handshake, then kicked her in the stomach and given her a Stone Cold Stunner. Then he would have smashed the trophy over her head and stalked back up the runway to the backstage area as the sound crew blared Kanye’s “Heartless” over the public address system.

    Commentators “Good ol'” Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler would of course be aghast:
    J.R.: “My God! This is just a- a- cowardly attack on the part of Kanye West, King. By God, what a sick, despicable display. As God is my witness, Taylor Swift is lying there, broken in half!”
    King: “Hey, J.R.! I think I can see Taylor Swift’s panties!”

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