The MTV Video Music Awards: While the most popular thing Russell Crowe’s rock band 30 Odd Foot of Grunts ever released might have been a press release about the band’s breakup, Crowe should not only remain involved with music but in fact receive awards recognizing his work. I just want to see what happens when Kanye West inevitably has the temerity to interrupt the notoriously ill-tempered actor during his acceptance speech. My bet: Kanye gets bludgeoned to death with a spaceman statuette in the worst orgy of violence involving a miniature astronaut since aged-but-feisty Buzz Aldrin punched out that guy who accused him of faking the moon landing.
SNL announcer Don Pardo: I don’t want recently retired nonagenarian Saturday Night Live announcer Don Pardo to die any time soon. (After all, he’s one of the few celebrity impersonations I do.) But it is fun to imagine how even more quavery the voice of Ghost Don Pardo will be. Plus he’ll get to work with a Saturday Night Afterlive cast that includes Ghost John Belushi, Ghost Gilda Radner, Ghost Chris Farley, and Ghost Phil Hartman, not to mention head writer Ghost Michael O’Donoghue.
Vegetarian vampires: I don’t buy this bit about the so-called vegetarian vampires in Twilight who subsist by feeding only on animals. I feed on animals, and this makes me not a vegetarian pretty much by definition. Besides, as Count Chocula has demonstrated for years, vampires can subsist entirely on chocolate-flavored corn cereal bits and marshmallows. If you really want the moral high ground here, Edward Cullen, it comes with a sugar high.
Paralegals: A paramedic may not be qualified to perform your quadruple bypass, but when you have a heart attack, you’re pretty happy to have one rush to your house in an ambulance and give you CPR until you can get to the hospital. Why don’t paralegals have this kind of emergency response capability? Paralegals should be to lawyers what paramedics are to doctors. If you’re up on charges of first-degree murder, of course you want a defense attorney, but until you can actually get one, when you’re caught with a bloody knife in your hand, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to call 911 and have a team of paralegals rush to the crime scene in some kind of Lawmobile and remind you to keep your fat mouth shut in front of the cops?
Gary Glitter’s career: How come Senator John McCain is seen as a hero for doing time in a Vietnamese prison, but Gary Glitter isn’t? It might be because Glitter was convicted for molesting children, but it’s not like he napalmed them. Certainly, he should be allowed to get his career back on track now that he’s paid his debt to society. Here’s how Gary Glitter ought to kick off his comeback: a tribute album to the late Michael Jackson. It might end up being the least-selling album of the year, but if the FBI were to track everyone who bought it as a possible sex offender, it could furnish a year’s worth of To Catch a Predator episodes.
Filed under: Miscellaneous Improvements | 7 Comments