Miscellaneous improvements

05Oct09

Annoying Chad Kroeger: First off, insist on calling him “Chad Nickelback”. I mean, he is the main creative force behind the band (even though all their songs sound the same), so the band should be named after him. Later, call him late at night, purporting to be telephoning from the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, and say, “Chad! It’s your cousin Marvin … Marvin Nickelback … You know that new sound you’ve been looking for? Well, listen to this!” Then play him any existing Nickelback song.

Saving time: We all could have saved a lot of time back in the 1980s by referring to Miami Vice star Philip Michael Thomas as simply “Phil Mike Tom”. On a similar note, 19th century newspaper editors could have saved headline space by abbreviating US President Chester Alan Arthur’s name to “Chet Al Art”.

Odd couples: What a missed opportunity I thought it was that Penn Gillette’s silent sidekick Teller never did a film with the late Henry Gibson in which they played father and son — only to find out that they did just that in 1987’s Long Gone. But you know what hasn’t happened and should? A sitcom starring Penn Jillette and Lewis Black as brothers. Not only are they both ugly and shouty, but they’re ugly and shouty in the exact same way. It’s not that it’d be particularly funny so much as it would be riveting television to see which would be first to suffer a rage-induced aneurysm and drop dead on the set.

Jon & Kate Plus Eight: As the Gosselin divorce gets messier and the fallout for their children grows even more potentially damaging, it starts to look more like the Ontario government actually got it right with the Dionne Quintuplets back in the 1930s. Would it really be any worse for the Gosselin sextuplets if they were to be taken away and put in a state-run nursery/museum as a tourist attraction? They could hardly be exploited any worse than they already are, and at least the funds raised could go into the public coffers — preferably to be spent on abstinence education — rather than being blown on sports cars, hair plugs, and twentysomething girlfriends for their deadbeat dad.

Celebrity GPS voices: The best celebrity voice available for your car’s GPS is that of William Daniels, who voiced the sentient Trans Am KITT on the TV show Knight Rider. (The worst is Gary Busey, who is qualified to tell you how to go over your motorcycle’s handlebars without a helmet, but whose directions should be otherwise distrusted.) What would be even better, though, is a GPS with the voice of the late Sir Alec Guinness (or a credible impersonator). As you approach your home, it should deactivate itself, saying, “Use the Force … let go. Trust me.” After you’ve parked without computer guidance, it should come back on long enough to say, “Remember, the Force will be with you — always.” And if it ever gives you poor directions, it should insist, “What I told you was true … from a certain point of view.”

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