The Banter Report


A lazy Saturday morning, drinking coffee in bed.

Girlfriend [entering the room and tossing me a clementine]: Here. Don’t get it on my nice white sheets.
Me: First, these aren’t white sheets — this is a white duvet cover. Second, you already threw the orange on the white duvet cover. And third, this isn’t an orange — this is a clementine.
Girlfriend: What? I never called it an orange. You did.
Me: Yes, but you thought it was an orange.
Girlfriend: … Yes, I did.

Disagreement erupts when I subsequently peel the fruit’s rind into the shape of what she insists looks like an elephant’s ears and trunk and I believe more closely resembles an adult human male’s genitals, as was my intention.

* * *

The local pub.

Me: Is the pork sandwich pulled pork?
Waitress: No, it’s more like … well, it’s like a McRib.
Me: Ah, the McRib — the Disney classic of fast food. You know how every so often they put out Cinderella on DVD for a limited time only, and then it goes back in the Disney Vault? Same with the McRib — they put it back on the menu every few years and then take it away again before the novelty wears off.
Waitress: Well, maybe it just takes several years to raise the special animal the McRib comes from.
Me: Ah, yes — the McCow.

Waitress chuckles politely. I subsequently realize, over a steak sandwich, that the special animal from which the McRib is made should theoretically actually be the McPig.

* * *

In a group at a restaurant, where I notice that a friend who recently went on a date with an Irish guy named Finn is suddenly drinking a Guinness instead of her customary Diet Coke.

Me: Hey, isn’t that a Guinness?
Girl who recently dated guy named Finn: Ha. Yeah, well, you know.
Me: That’s a Finnish beer, isn’t it?
Girl who recently dated guy named Finn: What? No, it’s Irish. It’s like the most famous Irish beer there is.
Me: I thought a lot of Finns drank Guinness.
Girl who recently dated guy named Finn: Do they? I didn’t know that.
Me: I can think of at least one Finn who probably drinks Guinness.
Girl who recently dated guy named Finn: Oh yeah? Who’s that?
Me: I think we both know at least one Finn who drinks Guinness.
Bewildered girl who recently dated guy named Finn: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Banter failed.

5 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 Grom

    Jumping on the “fail” bandwagon are we? With great succes I might add.

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    I’m not sure if I’m being complimented or insulted.

  3. 3 Scott

    I would argue that perhaps communication failed but that banter that ends in this type of bewilderment is still very effective.

  4. 4 Grom

    What Scott said.

  5. 5 KD

    1. It creeps me out the way you can read Candace’s mind.
    2. McRib meat is made in a vat. No animals were harmed in the making of that McRib.
    3. Either that chick has way too many boyfriends or had way too many Guinnesses or both.

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