The Banter Report


The front vestibule of The National Ballet School, temporary home of my fencing club. No one is at the front desk as I leave with a friend after practice.

Me [opening door]: Should I really be letting you in?
Girl waiting to be let in: Ha. I’m just meeting some of the other dancers.
Me: You could really be here to rob the ballet school.
Girl waiting to be let in: Well, I do have a gun.
Me: Well, then if you have me at gunpoint, I clearly have no choice but to let you in. My conscience is clear.

My friend admires my easy way with the ladies. Meanwhile, I spend the rest of the night in a state of worry, visualizing the next day’s headline: TEN DEAD IN NATIONAL BALLET SCHOOL SHOOTING

* * *

The kitchen.

My girlfriend: Why are you in the kitchen with your boots on? Look at this dirt! I work too hard all day to come home to more work.
Me: Technically, you aren’t coming home to more work. I made this mess after you got here.

Girlfriend laughs, says “I hate you,” and gives me a big hug.

* * *

Our balcony

My girlfriend: That was a weird friendship — Billy Corgan and Jessica Simpson.
Me: Not really. I think it was based on mutual respect. She respected his musical talent, and he respected her tits.

I go to the computer to add this conversation to the Banter Report and get sidetracked doing Google image searches for things that may or may not include “Billy Corgan’s talent”.

2 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 Scott

    Little known fact: The National Ballet School is where they filmed the Maya Goldberg/Snake rape scene in Degrassi Jr. High.

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    Oh, I remember that storyline. It was so awful — just so out of character for Snake. But then, he was awfully messed up for a while after he found Mr. Raditch dead in the bathroom.

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