The Banter Report


My living room.

My mom: We don’t even use a tent anymore when we go camping. Too damp and lumpy. What we do now is just throw a mattress in the back of the van.
Me: You know, you’re not the only ones to come up with that idea. Rapists do that too.
My mom: Well, it beats raping people in a tent.

My girlfriend becomes simultaneously more and less comfortable around my mother.

* * *

At the local garden centre.

Me [placing bag of dirt on cart; imitating Marion Ramsey from Police Academy]: Don’t move, dirtbag!
My girlfriend: Come on, dirtbag. Let’s go.
Me: Look at that girl. She’s picking up three dirtbags!
My girlfriend: And she’s taking them home!
: In my day, we had a word for a girl who picked up three dirtbags and took them home: a gardener.

I spend most of the walk home explaining the recurring gag involving Marion Ramsey’s mild-mannered character from the Police Academy movies, none of which my girlfriend has ever seen.

* * *

On the patio, after my girlfriend has finished planting her container garden, listening to the Beach Boys.

Me: You know what song I should have been playing for you while you were working?
My girlfriend: “Vegetables”?
Me: Yes. Maybe I should come up with a whole mix CD for you to listen to…. Actually, I can’t think of a single other song about vegetables.
My girlfriend: “Girlfriend in a Coma”?

My girlfriend is delighted when I get up and leave, saying, “I’m going to go Banter Report that.” She is less delighted when, a half hour later, I’ve gotten too distracted Googling “songs about potatoes” to come back.

7 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 rupertdogstein

    Don’t leave us hanging. What did you find?

  2. 2 jason

    Oh, so that was *your* mom, was it?

    Also: for a song about potatoes and the people who transport them, you really can’t beat “Bud The Spud” by Stompin’ Tom.

  3. 3 Jay Pinkerton

    If you pretended they were singing about potatoes instead of peaches, then “Peaches” by the Presidents of the United States of America. And if you substituted stairways to heaven for potato stairways to a big pile of potatoes, “Stairway to Heaven.” So that’s two.

  4. 4 jason

    Jay, I don’t think that’d be much of a stretch — seeing as how people have called potatoes “peaches of the soil” for decades.

  5. 5 Scott

    I first thought that it would be impossible for your girlfriend to be simultaneously becoming more comfortable and less comfortable with your mother. Then I realized that she must be in a quantum superposition of those two states. Whatever you do, DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR GIRLFRIEND! If you do, you will collapse her waveform and she will only occupy one of those two states which I’m sure you’ll agree is far less interesting.

    Also, there’s a Nirvana song where Kurt sings “I must be getting older. I’m starting to eat my vegetables” but I can’t think of the name off the top of my head.

  6. 6 Mully

    Scott, I have to ask: Was the Kurt Cobain and “top of my head” reference deliberate?

  7. 7 Scott

    Ha ha. No, but it’s awesome and I wish it was.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: