The McGangBang

23Jul10

One of the very last things I did while visiting my girlfriend in Hong Kong while she was living there a couple of years ago was slip off to McDonald’s when she wasn’t paying attention. I’d been trying to do that for the entire trip, but had been stymied at every turn; the first time I went, only the breakfast menu was available, the second time, the branch had just closed, and the third time, I was told I’d have to wait ten minutes, which would have caused me to miss a bus. My goal was to try a red bean pie. They just love red bean over there (along with sweet corn, which is available as a side dish in virtually every fast-food restaurant), and at McDonald’s, they sell red bean pies alongside the hot apple pies so familiar to Westerners. So, the last Sunday I was there, while my girlfriend was meeting a friend for lunch, I sneaked over to the closest McDonald’s and waited to order amid the huge crowd of Filipina domestic workers that congregate downtown on their day off and have picnics. When I finally got my food, there was nowhere to sit until a couple of ladies courteously invited me to share their table and even gave me a wet-nap with which to wipe my hands. I snapped a blurry photo of my red bean pie to remember it by, and finally dug in. It tasted exactly like what it was: a McDonald’s pie shell filled with red bean paste. It was okay — nothing to write home about, although that didn’t stop me from writing home about it the first chance I got.

My girlfriend was annoyed that, with all the good food available, I kept sneaking off to eat garbage every time she wasn’t looking, but the point is that every nation has its own fast-food cuisine, and as a lowbrow cultural adventurer, I crave novelty and excitement along with the salt and grease that turned my pillowcase translucent long ago. Although Canada is often considered to be culturally homogenous with the United States, the fast-food scene south of the border is rich in mad-scientist culinary experimentation that, to Canadians, often remains tantalizingly out of reach.

Take, for instance, two recent innovations: the Friendly’s Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt, which substitutes grilled cheese sandwiches for a bun, and the Carl’s Jr. Footlong Cheeseburger, which is exactly what it sounds like. I desperately want both, but just try finding either of these restaurants around here. Even KFC’s infamous Double Down sandwich, which uses two deep-fried chicken fillets as its bun, was never offered for sale in Canada, no doubt due to the interference of what some would call a “nanny state” that regulates its citizens from poisoning themselves. I never had a nanny, though, so I think of the government more as a “girlfriend state.”

We in Canada have to take a more do-it-yourself approach to self-destruction, so it was with excitement that I learned of the McGangBang, which is the unholy combination of a McChicken sandwiched between the two halves of a Double Cheeseburger. It’s not an official McDonald’s menu item, but if you ask for it by name at certain franchises, you’ll either be arrested or served one up on the spot by an in-the-know employee, much like In-N-Out secret menu items such as the Animal Style burger, Neapolitan shake, or 100×100 burger. The idea behind it is to build an inexpensive super-burger out of two items on the dollar menu, although the higher pricing of these items in Canada makes it less of a feat of frugality and more of a simple exercise in gluttony. The McGangBang sounded like what would happen if the Island of Dr. Moreau were granted its own McDonald’s franchise. Nothing bad can come of that kind of science, and I had to donate my body to it.

To make this happen, you’d think that I’d just wait until my girlfriend was out of town, but you’d be wrong. When she’s out of the house, I’m emphatically not. I hole up in front of the computer with a 12-pack of Pizza Pops and live off them right up until the ceremonial lowering of the toilet seat, which takes place to the accompaniment of “Taps” shortly before she gets home. Instead, I had to catch her during a moment of weakness when she was hungry enough to go through a drive-through for a late brunch on a Saturday morning, and when I was paying for us both, which limited her ability to object. Rather than try to order it by name, which would have become a more difficult feat through a staticky drive-through speaker, I opted to order both components separately and enjoy the ritual of constructing it myself.

It was awesome. It didn’t taste like a Double Cheeseburger, and it didn’t taste like a McChicken. It just blended together in a perfect fusion and tasted like the very essence of McDonald’s. It have couldn’t tasted more quintessentially McDonaldsian unless I’d dug up the remains of restaurateur Ray Kroc and poured some of his embalming fluid on there.

Or so I thought. As I gleefully reported my experiences to some fellow gluttons, I was reminded that Big Mac sauce is available free on request and is often used to “hack” the McDonald’s menu in the preparation of concoctions such as the Ghetto Big Mac.

I mulled this over while reading a copy of Lierre Keith’s The Vegetarian Myth, which turned out to be half about eating meat and half about the subjugation of women by the patriarchy. Being in strong favour of both, I came to a decision: I would have to eat a McGangBang with Mac Sauce, my girlfriend’s objections de damned.

My chance came during the drive home from a friend’s cottage. We stopped at a highway-side McDonald’s and I stood in line behind a man with a teenage girl and a redheaded high-school bully-type with piggish eyes, a low forehead and hairline, and all the ugly whiteheads on his neck that he so obviously deserved. The man commented that the restaurant was very busy. The bully agreed, then, as though realizing he hadn’t yet seized the opportunity to look like a big man by belittling what I now assumed was his girlfriend’s father or stepfather, sneered, “Way to accurately assess the situation, Ray. You’re a genius.” I considered punching the bully in the base of the skull in the hopes of getting a free lunch from a grateful Ray, who no doubt wanted badly to do so himself but was rendered impotent to act by the criminal code put in place by Canada’s girlfriend state. Instead, I did nothing. The risk of being thrown out empty-handed was too great.

I got to the front and placed my order. The counter guy must have known what I was up to, because, unlike with my previous venture, the Double Cheeseburger came built so that it was easy to separate; instead of the two patties being glued together by one of the pieces of cheese, both patties were together in the middle, each glued by cheese to a bun. I got back to the car, assembled my sandwich and bit into the very apotheosis of the hamburger. It was like receiving a long, deep, soulful kiss from Ronald McDonald himself. With the McGangBang with Mac sauce, I have achieved fast-food nirvana. And probably coronary arteriosclerosis too, but we’ll worry about that later.



12 Responses to “The McGangBang”

  1. Did you use a McChicken or a Junior Chicken? In the States what they call a McChicken is actually our Junior Chicken. They downsized the McChicken a few years ago and put it on the dollar menu; us Canadians still have the old full-sized McChicken available to us, sesame seeds and all.

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    I used a normal McChicken, so it would appear that I actually supersized my McGangBang. Perfect.

  3. 3 Soapy

    But KFC canada has the Boxmaster, which is a chicken breast and a hashbrown in a tortilla. I’m sure you can order it with bacon. I would have had one for lunch today, but they take 10 minutes to cook, and I have places to BE.

    I have to assume that it is some sort of descendant of the british “chip butty”, and not, as the name would suggest, a commentary on the cunnilingus abilities of the consumer.

  4. 4 Candace

    I guess we all know what Peter will be trying to sneak out of the house to eat this weekend.

  5. I actually had one on the way home from fencing practice tonight, and Dickolas, I had it your way.TM A McGangBang with a Double Cheeseburger and Junior Chicken came to only $3.23 after tax. What a deal!

    Also, Soapy, I read your comment in an office and laughed out loud, only to have a nice older lady ask me what I was laughing at. I had to explain nicely to her that there was no way I could explain it nicely to her.

  6. 6 Scott

    I feel a little left out as the only Beta Flight member having not yet tried the McGangBang. Maybe we can make a point of all ordering one together when you’re here in August.

  7. 7 MC

    Oh now I have to have one of these.

  8. 8 chaika

    I just finished a couple of these. Delicious. I did not have the stones to attempt ordering them by name though.

  9. 9 Scott

    I finally tried one today! I ordered it by name and none of the employees within earshot had heard of it. After I explained it, they offered to put it together for me but I actually wanted to do it myself. I included the Mac sauce. In the end, it was like every other McDonald’s Sandwich: Delicious to start, a soggy, greasy, yucky mess near the end. Shortly afterward I needed to take a McEmergencyPoop.

  10. And with that, all members of Beta Flight have had a McGangBang. And because I like his take on the situation, I just wanted to note what Mike, who doesn’t tend to leave comments, had to say about it:

    “My version of the McGangBang substitutes the junior bacon cheeseburger for the McDouble; I find the bacon truly enriches the flavours of the beef and chicken, creating a well-rounded meat experience in which the whole truly becomes greater than the sum of the parts. I had one again just on Sunday (along with an enormous Coke, as McDonald’s is currently offering any size pop for $1), and it was a wonderful, happy experience.”

  11. 11 Scott

    The great part about that is the 3 different animals represented and the fact that there were probably bits of thousands of each animal minced together. Mike ate the whole damn farm.

  12. 12 shane herman

    I work at mcdonalds and whenever someone orders the mc gangbang me chris, ryan, henry, dave and allan all circle jerk in the freezer then we put our special sauce on the raw patty then we cook it kinda like how in and out cooks their animal burgers with mustard except we dont use a flat top we use a ceramic grill anyways after were done cooking it looks just like a double cheese burger and you cant even tell its been through serious bukake. thats how we do a mc gangbang anyways, sometimes people dont even order it we just serve it as a mc double to get a good laugh.


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