Miscellaneous improvements


Watching your weight
The technology used in Total Recall to implant false memories of Martian vacations could also be used to instill pleasant memories of eating Baconators and KFC Double Downs without actually raising your cholesterol. This should offset some of the health problems of the future, beside which our current obesity epidemic will pale in comparison. I’ll take a little extra abdominal fat over having a mutant twin growing out of my abdomen, for example. And two man-boobs are still better than three man-boobs.

Three ideas here: First, instead of having that guy from Stargate: Atlantis play Conan the Barbarian in the new movie coming out next year, I say put Vincent D’Onofrio in there; Conan was basically an idealized version of his creator, Robert E. Howard, and D’Onofrio played a dead-on Howard in the biopic The Whole Wide World, so if he could get back into his Adventures in Babysitting shape, he’d be about right. Second, Phil Spector should be the new American Idol judge; he knows more about music than Simon and is crazier than Paula. And lastly, Dexter would be ten times creepier with a leering Bill Hader cast in the title role.

Practical jokes
I don’t know how you’d do it exactly, but pooping in someone’s wallet would be an amazing practical joke.

The NHL all-star weekend shootout competition
I’ll get this out there now so there’s plenty of time before the all-star break to make it happen: The breakaway challenge would be better if they just strapped pads on commissioner Gary Bettman and stuck him in net. On one hand, the unpopular Bettman gains points with fans for being game enough to go through with the idea. Also, unlike prideful NHL goalies and minor-leaguers hoping to make an impression, he wouldn’t poke-check away scoring attempts or be able to do anything other than flail helplessly. On the other hand, players might be unable to avoid the temptation to ring slapshots off his mask, incurring fines or suspensions. But, hey, the all-star weekend is for the fans.

My Two Dads
The world is finally ready for a revival of the 1980s NBC sitcom about two men raising a child together. I have three ideas here: First, bring back Greg Evigan and Paul Reiser, but Evigan plays a cop framed for dealing an addictive virtual-reality drug and Reiser plays a weaselly corporate lawyer for the Weyland-Yutani Corporation. Second, forget Reiser; Evigan raises a child on the road with his best friend, a chimpanzee named Bear. Third, Staci Keenan’s love interests from the original series, Chad Allen and Giovanni Ribisi, are now gay and a Scientologist, respectively. Tell me this wouldn’t make a great odd-couple sitcom.

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