Tweets from an election
Last night, as Toronto voted in its new mayor, I registered my feelings via Facebook and Twitter. Here are the highlights:
- Why do all these politicians want to stop the gravy train? It sounds delicious! In fact, let’s hook up some hopper cars full of fries and cheese curd.
- If you want a mayor who sneaks out of hiding to repair shoes and perform household tasks while you sleep in return for gifts of food and honey, Joe Pantalone is your gnome.
- I have a voting-reform idea in which Toronto’s mayor would be chosen via pie-eating contest, but man, is this ever the wrong year for that.
- Rob Ford looks like Mike Love with Brian Wilson’s 1970s eating habits.
- This just in: Rob Ford is going to stop the gravy train … and drink the contents.
- Thus begins four years of saying, “Don’t blame me; I voted for the other thoroughly unappetizing candidate.”
- Bono would be happy to know “Beautiful Day” was played at Rob Ford’s victory party. Both have worked hard to stop hunger — Bono, in the third world, Ford, his own.
- I long for the day when the mayor’s office was inhabited by statesmen of dignity and gravitas, like Mel Lastman.
- I feel bad for Ford’s successor. “How do you possibly stretch out a mayor’s robe? And why is it all covered in barbecue sauce stains?”
- At least Ford looks unlikely to actually live out his term. Look at his current condition and add the stress of running a major city. What’s the over/under on a fatal heart attack? Two years? 18 months?
- As a side bet, the smart money is on 89-year-old Mississauga mayor Hazel McCallion outliving him. And us.
- Mel Lastman is now adding his old office to the list of places he won’t go for fear of being cooked in a pot and eaten.
- Lastman: “Who’s a worse mayor in Toronto’s recent history than me? NOOOOOOOOOO … what? Really? He did? Oh, wow.”
- What if we just waited until they were asleep and switched the new mayors of Toronto and Calgary? Would that work?
- I hope Rob Ford explodes a Diet Coke all over himself during his victory speech.
- Ford: “I want to congratulate the 44 councillors who were elected. I will be calling the 22 of them that I don’t intend to fire tomorrow.”
- I’m glad Ford doesn’t intend any more $12,000 retirement parties for city councillors, especially since he intends to somehow convince half of them to vote to eliminate their own jobs.
- Sure, Toronto, you feel good about Rob Ford now, but wait till he drops that first slave girl through a trap door into the Rancor pit.
- I feel like I’m being ungracious. Let’s all join Mayor Ford in raising a glass of hot, melted butter to toast his victory.
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