Miscellaneous improvements


The NHL all-star game
Since I discussed the skills competition last time, the NHL has announced a change to its all-star game format: Instead of teams representing the Eastern and Western Conferences, two captains will take turns picking players from either conference to essentially form the two best pond-hockey teams ever assembled. One flaw, however, is that inevitably one all-star will suffer the humiliation of being the last player picked. My initial solution was to simply include one player in the game who clearly had no business being there anyway (which would still be an improvement on the last all-star game when virtually the entire Eastern Conference starting lineup had no business being there, and were included mainly through the efforts of ballot box-stuffing Montreal Canadiens fans). But I have a better idea: NHL commissioner Gary Bettman must play in the NHL all-star game. But where? Do the team captains force him to suffer the embarrassment of being last-picked? Or attempt to curry favour with the boss by including him on their team? Do they play him as a skater and check him through the boards? Play him in goal and light him up with fancy dekes? Humiliate him by benching him for the whole game? Or spare him humiliation by benching him for the whole game?

Conversations about famous Canadian Muslims
I’m borrowing this idea from my girlfriend, who plans to start deliberately mixing up the names of Omar Khadr and Nazem Kadri, thus making any conversation about either the al-Qaeda detainee or the Toronto Maple Leafs prospect more interesting and amusing. Surprisingly, the results often still make a lot of sense. For example, “What do I think of Omar Khadr’s release? I think it’s terrible asset management — they should have got something in trade for him.” Or, “What do I think of Nazem Kadri’s call-up? Frankly, I think they should have left him down there until he grew up a little more.”

I missed the opportunity for an elegantly simple masterstroke of mayhem the other day when I didn’t take the “Out of Order” sign off the coffee machine and put it on the ladies’ washroom door. It would have been a double whammy: “Wow, that weak, watery brew really made me have to take a … [ulp] trip to the other side of the building.”

Musical collaborations
Saying this is like admitting to liking Hitler’s watercolours, but the fact is that before all the helter skelter, Charles Manson was a talented songwriter in search of a music producer; it was because of Manson’s beef with the house’s former occupant, producer Terry Melcher, that Sharon Tate found herself in the wrong place at the wrong time. At the same time, Phil Spector was both the creator of the Wall of Sound and a has-been in search of a new sound. If only the two could have hooked up back then, imagine what they could have accomplished. Yet, maybe it’s not too late to set something up, now that they’re both residents of Corcoran State Prison. And for extra motivation, for every gold record they cut, let’s say they get to murder a blonde actress. Since we’re being honest, anyone who says he wouldn’t trade Katherine Heigl for a fully produced, high-fidelity version of “Cease to Exist” simply doesn’t know the first thing about acting or musical talent.

If I invent a musical instrument capable of vomit-inducing frequencies and call it the Pukulele, they’ll pretty much have to let me into the Flash’s rogues gallery.

5 Responses to “Miscellaneous improvements”

  1. I was thinking about the problem of having a last player picked, and I think the solution is to make Sean Avery a perennial all-star.

    Then also give the captains the option to bench people.

    Then also allow them to wedgie their teammates.

  2. 2 Scott

    … [ulp]

  3. 4 Rachel

    Crap. That’s fake.

  4. 5 Rachel

    Or, well, maybe it’s true, I don’t know.

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