The Banter Report


In the car.

Me: Did you know Australia has a female prime minister? She should be in the kitchen, having babies!
My girlfriend: You think women have babies in the kitchen?
Me: Yes.
My girlfriend: Well, maybe they should. It’s so messy. It’s probably better to do it on a tile floor.

My girlfriend goes into a long monologue about why anyone would want a home birth, considering the costs of clean-up and lack of dedicated janitorial staff.


By the front door, where my muddy boots are.

My girlfriend: I think you don’t notice all the hard work I do around here.
Me: No, I don’t appreciate all the hard work you do around here. There’s a difference.

I promise to mop the floor later (but do not).


In the kitchen.

Me: So what you’re telling me is that I shouldn’t try to get gout.
My girlfriend: I don’t think it’s something you want. Unless you’re into pain, I guess.
Me: I don’t think even masochists are into chronic pain—just acute pain.
My girlfriend: It’s not mawsochist. It’s mahsochist.
Me: Tomayto, tomawto.
My girlfriend: Don’t say tomawto. You’re not British.
Me: I’ll shedule practising the proper pronunciation of tomawto for Chewsday.
My girlfriend: I’m going to beat you.

I make room on my shedule for a beating on Chewsday as well.

One Response to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 Jason

    “No, I don’t appreciate all the hard work you do around here.” is the best line maybe ever. Imagining the sarcastic/condescending intonation of the word ‘appreciate’ is now my current favorite thing.

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