The Banter Report


Near a dilapidated pile of books in the kitchen.

Me: Why do you take the dust covers off your books? They’re there to protect your book, and you’re just going to lose them.
My girlfriend: I don’t lose them.
Me: Really? Where’s the dust cover for The Strain?
My girlfriend: I don’t know. Listen, I take better care of my things than you do.
Me: That’s not true. I take better care of my books.
My girlfriend: You’d better take care of your girlfriend.
Me: Just because my girlfriend is showing all kinds of wear and tear and your boyfriend isn’t, that doesn’t mean I don’t take care of my things.

My girlfriend informs me, “You’d better go put that on ‘Things I Didn’t Say.'”


My boss’s new office. There is a model of a sailing ship on a shelf.

Me: Nice ship, captain.
My boss: Yeah, I raided the prop department to decorate. That way, if they fire me, I don’t have to carry boxes of stuff home.
Me: Smart. It’s like Pacino said in Heat … or De Niro … which one was the crook?
My boss: De Niro. He said something like, “Don’t get attached to anything you aren’t willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat.”
Me: Right. And on that note—[exits stage right]

I don’t know. I wasn’t there.


At the computer, where I’ve learned that Tito Santana became a Spanish teacher after his days in the squared circle, rather than a matador, as I’d been led to believe.

Me: I think Tito Santana was also a driver’s ed teacher.
My girlfriend: They probably shouldn’t let anyone with rage issues like a professional wrestler teach people to drive.
Me: I actually think pro wrestlers would probably make good driver’s ed teachers because of all the driving they have to do in their lives.
My girlfriend: You mean piledriving?

I learn on that Tito Santana has only a 2.7 overall rating from the students of Eisenhower Middle School in Succasunna, NJ, with a 0.0 rating in popularity, which is strange given his past as a popular babyface wrestler.

One Response to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 Scott

    Is it possible that Candace is outbantering you?

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