Miscellaneous improvements

31Jan11

Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
As you might have heard, a new bowdlerized version of Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is coming out, and I for one couldn’t be happier. Finally, children won’t be exposed to the obscene language of the original, and all can enjoy the climactic scene in which Jim, fed up with the antics of the Duke and the King, finally erupts, “I have had it with these monkey-fighting grifters on this Monday-to-Friday raft!” I don’t know if it’s much better, when you think about the racial overtones, to replace the N-word with “melon farmer,” but I don’t think anyone can object to replacing the name of the villain Injun Joe with “Mr. Falcon.”

Dire Straits’ “Money for Nothing”
Because Huckleberry Finn is now in the public domain, I’d planned to cater to contemporary sensibilities by doing my own search-and-replace on the N-word, figuring audiences were ready for the heroics of Huck’s brave, noble pal Faggot Jim. However, based on the recent controversy over the unedited airing of the F-word in Dire Straits’ “Money for Nothing” on Canadian radio, it appears otherwise. A cover of the song by the Scissor Sisters (who have already covered Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb,” so you know they can handle classic rock by old British farts) could “take back” the word. (So might a cover by Mötley Crüe, about whom the song was actually written, and Vince Neil needs the cash right now.) But in the meantime, let’s just replace the word “faggot” with “slave”; it seems to work for the new edition of Huckleberry Finn, after all.

Mornings
Two things my girlfriend has to do in the morning: take the dog out to do his business and make breakfast, which, now that she’s gone low-carb, invariably includes eggs. Here’s an idea to make her life easier: A dog who lays eggs in the morning instead of pooping. The Tasmanian wolf hasn’t been extinct that long (if it indeed is at all; there’s still the occasional unconfirmed sighting). I’ll leave it to the estate of Michael Crichton to work out the details, but surely there’s still some viable marsupial DNA lying around that genetic engineers can mix in there to make this happen.

Plumbing
Check out these statistics: About one hundred percent of people using tampons are women. But upward of 95 percent of plumbers are men (thick mustached, overall-wearing Italian men, based on popular media depictions). What this basically means is that cotton or rayon tampons are constantly being flushed by women who have no idea that they clog up pipes, septic tanks, and the workings of sewage treatment plants. And men have no idea this is happening unless they happen to come across an unflushed one still sitting in the bowl—a horrifying discovery but not for the reason that most women think. This is why we need to encourage more women to become plumbers. Aside from opening up a lucrative trade to women, reducing the unease of single ladies who fear letting male strangers into their homes, and making plumber’s butt a generally nicer thing to behold, this would raise awareness among women of the damage wrought by flushing feminine hygiene products and thus save homeowners and taxpayers incalculable amounts in maintenance and repair. And maybe we’d eventually see a Super Mario Bros. game where the princess gets to jump through pipes with gusto instead of just waiting around in a castle to be rescued.

Military victories
Never mind putting up a big “Mission Accomplished” banner—Americans should be allowed to dump Gatorade on the President when he wins a war.



One Response to “Miscellaneous improvements”


  1. 1 Scissor Sisters Fan News » Blog Archive » Miscellaneous improvements « Man vs. Clown!

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