Recent tweets

23Feb11
  • Shouldn’t the Genie Awards be given out by the Make-a-Wish Foundation?
  • If Reagan were alive today, he’d say, “Mr. Mubarak … tear down those pyramids!”
  • Anyone who makes fun of me for wearing my robe outside is taking an awfully big chance that I’m not a wizard.
  • I think Will Smith became a Scientologist because he has an easier time pronouncing “Teegeeack” than “Earf”.
  • I can’t watch that scene in Independence Day where Will Smith punches out the alien now without yelling, “Will, no! That’s XENU!”
  • My dad uses “long story short” as a narrative extending phrase.
  • The more vicious the professional argument is, the more important it is to say “Don’t worry—this is going to lead to incredible makeup sex.”
  • I want to market a line of vegetable steamers and put the factory in Cleveland. I’ll call them “Peter’s Vegetable Steamers”.
  • I hate when people put words in my mouth. Especially when those words are “erect penises”.
  • G-rated version of earlier tweet for my mom: I hate when people put words in my mouth. Especially when those words are “broccoli and liver”.


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