Filed under: Uncategorized
- Shouldn’t the Genie Awards be given out by the Make-a-Wish Foundation?
- If Reagan were alive today, he’d say, “Mr. Mubarak … tear down those pyramids!”
- Anyone who makes fun of me for wearing my robe outside is taking an awfully big chance that I’m not a wizard.
- I think Will Smith became a Scientologist because he has an easier time pronouncing “Teegeeack” than “Earf”.
- I can’t watch that scene in Independence Day where Will Smith punches out the alien now without yelling, “Will, no! That’s XENU!”
- My dad uses “long story short” as a narrative extending phrase.
- The more vicious the professional argument is, the more important it is to say “Don’t worry—this is going to lead to incredible makeup sex.”
- I want to market a line of vegetable steamers and put the factory in Cleveland. I’ll call them “Peter’s Vegetable Steamers”.
- I hate when people put words in my mouth. Especially when those words are “erect penises”.
- G-rated version of earlier tweet for my mom: I hate when people put words in my mouth. Especially when those words are “broccoli and liver”.